Skjarn 2K14


In this segment, we’re going to follow the path of some 3DNPCs as they live their lives in alternate universes – typically places where magic is but a foggy dream in Tolfdir’s alembic. In this episode, we follow the career of Skjarn and his aspirations to join the NBA.

As a level 25 bard, Skjarn’s game is mostly based on isolation sets that he calls for himself. Although he’s technically a big, he spends most of his time camped out near the three point line. And that’s just on defense. On offense, he will face guard his own teammate demanding the ball from the moment it gets inbounded. From there he will proceed to dribble around for 23 seconds before hoisting up an ill-advised three.

Despite this unique play style, Skjarn has somehow managed to worm his way into the Rookie Showcase, where scouts from every NBA team will attempt to learn more about the self-centered forward. Let’s check out the tape and analyze some of the facets of Skjarn’s game.

This sums up the Nord’s attitude on defense. Normally he would simply remain on the other side of the court, but he realizes that if he stays there the cameras won’t find him.This, of course, would violate the Constitution in most civilized countries, and not wanting to cause a riot, Skjarn decides it’s best he let the lens capture him before the viewers get angry and the cameraman loses his job. Thus, benevolent as ever, he saunters over the halfcourt line, making sure to wink at the hot blonde sitting courtside.

You may have heard of the triangle offense, but Skjarn’s offense is a single dot. It is a black hole, the period at the end of a sentence on ball movement.

You have to admire the naivety of Kelly Olynyk as he calls for the ball in the post, as if there’s any chance in Oblivion the ball will be passed. I also like how the guard crashes the boards the moment Skjarn raises up, knowing full well there’s a rebound to be had.

All told, Skjarn finishes the night shooting a horrendous 6 for 38 from the field. He consistently plays no defense and manages to alienate the entire team. Nevertheless, following the game he gets visits from no less than 3 separate GMs – reps from the Jazz, Pacers, and Nets.


Skjarn makes even less effort during the interview process than he did on the basketball court. He seems secure in the belief that he’ll not only be picked first, but that by night’s end he’ll be inducted into the Hall of Fame.


Normally, such a display of pomposity, belligerence, and lack of self-awareness would be a death knell for any athlete’s draft prospects. No, I’m kidding, nobody gives a shit about that. However, being terrible at basketball, which Skjarn undoubtedly is, should be the one thing that is guaranteed to ruin your draft stock.

And yet, with the 22nd pick in the 2013 NBA draft, the Brooklyn Nets not only draft Skjarn, but decide to market him as the future face of their franchise.


Somehow Billy King still has a job.

3 thoughts on “Skjarn 2K14”

  1. Pffffffffffffftttt~

    Mr. Beautiful. Dat nickname.

    This was highly amusing. I thank you for the giggles, good sir! Personally I can’t envision Skjarn selling shoes, more like creams and powders for various athletic rashes. You know, athlete’s foot, jock itch, razor burn for those with the misconception that shaving all their body hair off will make them more aerodynamic. That sort of thing.

    Also amusing: born on the 11th of First Seed. I’ll have to remember that. With Wet & Cold: Holidays installed I can give him his own holiday.

    1. Ha, he couldn’t have been born in any other month. I guess I went for the low hanging fruit since most basketball players sell sneakers. Now that I think about, he would never endorse something that would take your attention away from his face.

      It’s too bad there’s no female PCs in these sports games – maybe Virtua Tennis 4? Most other games don’t have a character creator, let alone provide the freedom to role play the PC. Sports games are so unique because you have total control over their behavior.

      Then again, it might be fun to play Dragon Age as one of the NPCs and see where that takes you. But I prefer a different setting like cyberpunk or modern day. Saints Row, maybe?

      1. Yeah there aren’t as many custom character creation games that aren’t already in a fantasy setting. You also have to take time into consideration. Some games you have to play for awhile to get the full feel. Saints Row is a good choice for complete control. Here are some suggestions I could think of off the top of my head.

        Complete creation and control: Spore, Sims, Starbound, The Guild 2
        Limited creation and control: South Park: The Stick of Truth, FTL: Faster Then Light, Secret of the Magic Crystals

        Some of those games let you be in charge of teams of people, which would be amusing. You could name some magic horses after iNPCs or see which ones could handle surviving in space.

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