Got Something I'm Supposed to Deliver


Welcome to the fourth edition of our weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim. What, you didn’t know you could use Skyrim as an e-mail system? You totally can. I just sent the President my plan for fixing the economy, all he has to do now is download and install Skyrim to get it.

If you prefer regular e-mail and would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to and I will link your website with your name.

On to this week’s questions:

cinture gucci prezzi asks:

Rumarin being number one in your follower rankings is a given, but I’m surprised to see Meresine so far down the list. Can’t we all agree that she’s perfect?

Well, keep in mind the follower rankings are a small sample of about twenty blog readers, and not the opinion of the 45K people who have endorsed the mod. Not to mention all the NPCs are from the same mod, so somebody has to be last. It’s not like if Belethor was ranked higher than Arghus, that would be criminal.

To a larger point, I’d say disagreement, argument, and a lack of consensus is the price we pay for originality. If everyone thought the same we’d never have new art. Often times a new idea is just an old one separated by time, culture, personality, and experience. Whether you’re tweaking an old idea or turning it on its head, it will be different because your tastes aren’t the same as your muse.

Calzado Salomon asks:

So I’m playing New Vegas again and the first time I heard somebody say “Patrolling the Mojave almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter,” I immediately pulled out my gun and shot him in the face. Keep in mind I haven’t played this game for five years. You know how people say some things never get old? I’m wondering if some things never get new.

You’re absolutely right. You will never, ever hear that line with fresh ears. You could live a hundred thousand years and travel across galaxies to new worlds and experience everything the universe has to offer. You could consume the breadth of all galactic knowledge until your brain is so full that you forget all that you ever knew about your former life on earth. Yet the moment you start a new playthrough and an NCR soldier tells you what patrolling the Mojave is like, not even being master of space and time itself can stop you from reflexively groaning.

salary for a veterinarian asks:

I was playing the Fenced In quest and wondered about having an option to negotiate with the killer. Because to be honest, I don’t get the phrase “you can’t negotiate with terrorists.” What if he offered to free all the hostages in exchange for a bottle of skooma? Sounds like a good trade to me.

The thing is you can’t take the phrase literally. You can definitely negotiate with terrorists if all they wanted was a pack of smokes and an autographed copy of De Stijl. Some people think any sort of capitulation would encourage copycats, but I actually think a trade this lopsided would have the opposite effect. People would be like “ISIS went through the trouble of kidnapping a building of foreign dignitaries and all they got in exchange was a DVD copy of The Interview. Fuck that, I’m gonna sell goat milk for a living.”

Problem is, terrorist demands are typically unrealistic and made with little expectation that they’ll be met. Hans in Die Hard was even using his demands as a ploy to buy more time and couldn’t care less if the cops did as he asked. And we all know how true to life that film is.

The killer in Fenced In isn’t just unreasonable, he’s insane. He isn’t taking hostages so much as taking victims. He isn’t giving those up for anything, not even a date with Kate Upton and ownership of the state of Nevada. Florida maybe, only because he’s an Argonian and likes to swim.

generic valtrex online asks:

The Super Bowl is probably the most commercial event in all of sports. But there are degenerates out there who actually watch it solely for the ads. What in Sheogorath is this madness? In what other world is watching the commercials a bigger event than the event itself?

Yes, you would never see such a thing happen in…ahem…European football, but handegg is quintessentially American, and a capitalist society demands its 30 seconds of flesh.

In fact, its even worse if you do the math. The Wall Street Journal did a study in 2010 that determined there are only 11 mintues of action in a single game. American football is just a series of short explosions followed by slow motion instant replays and even slower commercial breaks.

It doesn’t feel that way though. You could probably break down a Michael Bay film and find there are only 20 seconds worth of explosions, but you leave the cinema feeling like you watched 90 minutes of uncensored explosion porn. In that sense handegg is the Michael Bay of sports. Of course only one of them gives people CTE.

Anyways, to answer your question, handegg in a lot of ways is a metaphor for life. Most people slog through the work week to get to the weekend. Those people watch the game. The people who watch the for the commercials are like the ones who love their jobs and spend the weekend bored out of their mind.

Myron Scipio asks:

My friend and I have taken to calling our roommate “Skjarn.” That arrogant SOB has no idea why and it’s hilarious. Just thought I’d let you know.

Funny thing is, even Skjarn is smart enough to Google a name. Especially his own. In fact, he can’t stop doing it, being arrogant and all. But in this case, even if your roommate decided to Google the name Skjarn, you’d have an extra layer of encryption because of the power of the soft J. Unless of course, I were to type the word Skyarn or Skyarne or even Squarn in this post. Then he’d find this site, watch the video, and hell would be paid.

Man, it’s a good thing you aren’t real.

2 thoughts on “Got Something I'm Supposed to Deliver”

    1. Ha, yeah, it should last too, because it’s so much easier to write up than stories or character profiles which require more dressing up. This you just ramble off your thoughts.

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