A Letter…Not Sure Who From


Welcome to another edition of our…let’s say weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim. We actually have three real questions this week, which is quite an achievement given there are only ten of you who read this blog.

If you would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers. On to the questions:

uroxatral generic asks:

Isn’t it time to retire the phrase, “I would kill for a steak right now?” Really? If I handed you a gun right now you would walk up to a stranger and shoot them in the head for a slab of meat? Substitute steak for just about anything in the world and it’d be just as ridiculous.

Well, I don’t know about that. I would kill for a time traveling machine. I would literally put my hands on someone’s neck and end their life. Then I’d go back in time and save his life, creating a paradox and dooming us all. I don’t really think these things through.

clozaril clozapine asks:

I stole the note off of Wander-Lust’s body because I wanted to read it. Am I going to hell?

You can always try and put it back. I’m not sure how religion works though. I’ve heard some are pay to win though so maybe just buy more L Ron Hubbard books and you’ll be fine.

over the knee boots suede or leather asks:

Duraz balks at the idea of the standard mercenary fee of 500 gold coins. What would be a more appropriate value?

Well, the 500 gold coins is in essence a gameplay mechanic. A real life mercenary would probably charge by the week as opposed to per hire. But given most players end up dismissing mercenaries anyway, you end up with a more realistic salary structure.

Duraz is talking more about the level of danger incurred. If I’m a mercenary, I’m charging more to fight a dragon than I am to clear a cave full of skeevers. The problem is, you can’t plan for dragon attacks. You don’t really know what’s lurking in some unknown dungeon. By keeping what she kills, it ensures she gets a pay commensurate to what she deserves, and ensures she doesn’t hide in a corner while the Dragonborn does all the work.

Mostly though, her ideas are less about revolutionizing the job as much as it is meant to establish she’s young, overconfident, and a tad naive.

Finanzanlagen asks:

At work the other day a few co-workers got into a discussion about toilet paper. One guy was saying it doesn’t make much difference, and the other swears by the 2-ply. Things is, I don’t use either. My wife installed a bidet that comes with a hot air dryer, and while at first I would always finish with toilet paper, I’ve found there’s no need. The bidet blasts the poop right off. Long story short, I ended up just staying quiet the whole conversation. But I gotta ask, does using a bidet make me less of a man?

If we use the Skyrim standard, there is nothing more manly than a big, burly Nord. Historians tell us the gods gave them two hands, and they used them both to wipe their ass, usually with the skulls of their enemies. That is how a real man wipes.

But a real, real man doesn’t need to wipe. He blasts off the poo with a mighty shout. So if you’re feeling feminine about using a bidet, just scream FUS RO DAH as you press the button and you will feel ten times manlier than your pathetic co-workers and their sensitive, two-plied anuses.

vegaswanderer asks:

Does Rumarin really want to be buried in a coffin made of pie or is he just just highlighting what a big problem he has with gluttony in his own self deflecting and sarcastic way?

Probably both. Because I think Rumarin would get a kick out of people taking his words literally and burying him in a pie. It would be a way to finally get back at him for all his snark and there’d be nothing he could do about it. At the same time, he’s more or less in on the joke, so it’s a sneaky way to make his funeral light and fluffy and incredibly delicious. You wouldn’t even need to have a reception, you could just serve pieces of his coffin to everyone.

Just to keep the party going, who do you think will win in a fight, Anum-La armed with Chillrend or Frog (from Chrono Trigger) wielding Masamune?

Frog’s water magic would be pretty much useless given Anum-La was born in the swamp. And while Anum-La has street smarts, Frog is probably much better trained as a swordsman. Not to mention he has crazy hops. In fact, if this was basketball, Anum-La would get crushed.

But I’d say Frog’s biggest trump card is his crazy ass tongue. The guy literally licks your wounds. Sometimes, right in the mouth. Frog is the kind of guy who will cure your cold and give you herpes with one quick lash on the cheek. And while you’re busy scratching the cold sores on your mouth, his blade will go right through your stomach.

Will we ever see interactions between Inigo, Arissa and fan favourites like Rumarin or Anum-La? Without killing the dream, how do you think they would react to each other? Who do you think would get along with whom?

It’s dream killing time. You see, back when New Vegas was out, one of the first mods I downloaded was the multiple followers mod. Cass, Raul, Veronica…I wanted nothing more in life than to travel the Mojave with all my new friends. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as fun as it played out in my head, because traveling with a small army tends to break the vanilla game. I spent the rest of my playthrough twiddling my thumbs as my followers mowed down everything in their path: deathclaws, cazadores, Legate Laniuses…the whole thing was a walk in the park. In fact, the hardest part about the game was backtracking through a door.

Similarly, vanilla Skyrim isn’t designed for chatter. If Qa’Dojo and Valgus had tons of banter, you’d almost be forced to take them both along to experience it, and suddenly the game gets 33% easier. And that’s just two followers.

Now I realize you can use another mod to balance your game, but not everyone will be comfortable using that mod. The web of mods becomes more and more entangled the more variables you introduce, and so I abandoned the idea completely. The one exception being in quests where I control the number of enemies and can try to account for additional followers. In fact, you’re almost guaranteed to have banter in any quest that has multiple people in tow.

So while I love banter, multiple followers is just too much of a gameplay headache for me. The only way this dream will be made a reality is if someone with bigger balls and a fist full of aspirin decides to make it. Anna Castiglioni, for instance, took it upon herself to create banter between her Anna NPCs and characters she voiced like Amalee and Morndas. So it is possible. As always, I can provide actor contact info if you need to get a project up and going, and the forums are a good place to discuss it. I will just cheer you on from the sidelines. Maybe I’ll even bring some beer and mudcrabs and Malukah will serenade you from her perch atop a cloud. Whatever you prefer, it’s your dream.

7 thoughts on “A Letter…Not Sure Who From”

  1. I don’t know whether to thank or curse you for the mental image of someone sitting on a bidet while shouting FUS RO DAH.

  2. When you’re a truly skilled Dovahkiin you can even get your butthole to say the DAH part.

    Man, this is a very classy blog.

  3. Loved them all. The FUS RO DAH bidet part was…hilarious. As a quick note, pretty much all the houses in spain and france come with a bidet. Yep, I have one. As for who has really used the thing is hard to say. I usually just use it to store magazines and reads that come in handy while doing your bathroom duties. Interesting NPCs, where the classy discussion to have focuses on toilets and their uses xd.

    PS: I can see Rumarin faking his own death only to see the faces of his friends when he “comes back from the death” and, of course, having some pie xd.

    The Frog vs Anum-La answer was awesome. Thank you very much! And while I had a tiny slim chance that my dream would become true one day I pretty much thought of it more as a dream than anything else. It must be a nightmare to balance out combat (I use Deadly Combat and Combat Evolved at the same time), banter and compatibilities all at once although I’ll keep travelling with the whole party and pretending they did the introductions off-screen xd.

    Again, Kris, thank you for your great answers. :)

  4. I think Rumarin’s comment about pie challenges the Cartesian assumptions of what is real and what is strawberry. He helps to make philosophy lip smacking good.

  5. I’m gonna treasure the image of someone shouting FUS RO DAH as they do their bidet business, because I am totally classy like that.

    Rumarin’s pie coffin makes me think disturbingly of parts of A Song of Ice and Fire. If he dies, we could feed him to his enemies? Then again, my main character is a Bosmer who is kinda -and-so on the Green Pact, so actually, cooking your dear friends in a pie and then eating them actually seems like a perfectly acceptable way to pay respects to the dead.

  6. Also, I think the first time I got that comment from Rumarin, we were in a tomb, stealing a dragon priest’s treasure off his body. I assumed Rumarin wanted to be buried in a pie to make sure he had lots of pie in the afterlife. Forget gold and stamina potions and pretty metal masks. This guy knows what’s important.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s