Welcome to another edition of our weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim.
If you would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.
On to the mailbag:
silkroad silk hack 2015 asks:
Remember when Skyrim was about to be released, and people talked about what happens when you drop a valuable item on the floor, how it was going to be the most immersive thing ever? Well, I just watched Gorr and Orgnar fight over a bucket.
That is some Peter Molyneux shit right there. Still, when it comes to these immersion-based ideas, you got to believe in taking baby steps. Today, they’re fighting over a bucket. Maybe in TESVI, that bucket might be filled with delicious cupcakes. In TESVII, Orgnar might think twice before starting a fight with an Arena Champion over a bucket of sweets. And in TESVIII, Orgnar will probably be sentient enough to walk out of your screen, go to the market, and buy himself a bucket. Just don’t let him wear it on the drive home.
amoxicillin without rx asks:
If you did a taste test with bottled water and tap water, most people probably couldn’t tell the difference. What is the bottled water of video games?
To answer this question, we first need to list the things that make bottled water taste great. Like, for instance, the picture of a mountain on the label. The size of your mountain is not important, but not having a mountain can really affect the flavor of your water. It doesn’t have to be a picture of an actual mountain, like with Arrowhead or Coors Light, but it does help. I can’t tell you how many times I passed on a bottle of Aquafina because I confused their mountains for Wario’s mustache. Tap water, meanwhile, is like bottled water with a picture of a rusty pipe on the label.
The other thing that makes bottled water taste good is the amount of blue on your label. The bluer your bottle, the cleaner your product. Which is strange, given water is transparent. Granted, the ocean is blue, but all their mountains are below sea level, so it tastes like shit.
Of games that came out recently, I would say Pillars of Eternity would make for the tastiest water. Not only does it have a logo that looks kind of like a mountain range, the pillars/mountains themselves have an aqua tint. I forget what the question was, but I would totally drink their bottled water products.
Coach Handbags asks:
How do I fulfill JadroRa’s request?
Wait, do you coach a team, as in you’re Coach Handbags of the Fighting Irish? Or is Coach a brand name? Or is it both? Sigh, it looks like it is indeed a brand name. That is the most disappointing Google search ever.
As for JadroRa’s request, it can be done on a clear night through the power of imagination. There’s also another quest that comes after Forgotten Lore, so the story isn’t quite over yet.
Baby Einstein asks:
Are chickens like Hindu cows in TES lore? Because the guards sure get pissed off when I kill them.
I get that this is a meme of some kind, where everyone points and laughs at the crazy guard who is going ape shit because some useless chicken died. But I empathize with this guard. Because killing a chicken for no good reason – well, that’s just weird.
Put it this way. If you’re a cop patrolling the streets, and you see some punk kid beating a stray cat with tire iron, you’d probably react the same way a Skyrim guard would. You’d probably think this kid needed psychiatric help.
Now imagine you go home after a long day policing and locking up weirdos, and turn on your computer to masturbate. Only you never get that far, because the internet has turned you into a meme. Because somehow it’s you – not the homeless, chicken killing psychopath – who’s the crazy one.
ninja heroes hack asks:
What are your thoughts on Game of Thrones potentially passing ASOIAF and finishing the series first?
I’m okay with it. I can consume the books and the television show in any order I like. The question is, is George R.R. Martin okay with it. Remember, this is the series that will define his legacy. This is his magnum opus. He has to know that the majority of his fans will consume the ending through whichever medium finishes first. Is he really going to let someone else pen the final act? Does he really want David Benioff and D.B. Weiss to lip sync the Song of Ice and Fire?
Hold on…it’s time for a counterpoint.
Point taken. As it turns out, lip sync performances can be pretty damn good. To me, the HBO writers are the Emma Stone of the adaptation business. They’re killing it. If you’re George R.R. Martin, you’re perfectly content just relaxing on the beach with an umbrella drink and collecting them sweet, sweet royalty checks. Life is too short and too good and too wonderful, particularly when you’re rich, to do things yourself.