A Letter…Not Sure Who From

Fallout3 2015-07-07 14-24-41-13.avi_snapshot_00.00_[2015.07.09_00.51.40]

Hey look, it’s a different courier bringing the mail this time, although I suppose this screenshot is technically Fallout 3 and not New Vegas. Still, he’s a mailman nonetheless, delivering letters and the occasional platinum chip, mostly from spammers walking the wastes.

If any humans would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.

On to the mailbag:

Free Marijuana Seeds asks:

Skyrim doesn’t make sense. I’m the Harbinger of the Companions, the Listener, the Archmage, and the Guildmaster all at once. That would be like a gay-married environmentally conscious terrorist winning the Republican nomination for President.

This is the kind of shit that pissed Robert Ebert off, so much so that he once strangled a video game to death with his downward pointed thumbs. True story. Part of his point is that when a game strives to be a piece of art, it ceases to be a game, and the mechanics that drive gameplay are forever at odds with a perfectly told narrative.

As an artist, you may want to express the idea that life is full of sliding doors, that walking the path of the warrior may prevent you from becoming a mage. As a gamer, I appreciate having the opportunity to play all four questlines regardless of whether it makes my Dragonborn a lunatic. In other words, Skyrim doesn’t have to make sense. But it can. It’s really up to you how you play it.

Herpes Survival Kit asks:

 I was talking to Vigram in Winterhold. He has a plan to use slavery to build a stable. If the player suggests children Vigram says that the thought of the children cooperating is just a wet dream.

Now, I have a very strong feeling that you don’t actually mean wet dream; perhaps pipe-dream? I’ll let you google wet dream yourself.

First of all, I wasn’t aware that the fatality rates from herpes infections were so high that an entire survival kit would be required. I wonder what people put in there, besides some calamine lotion for the rash (Disclaimer: Don’t put calamine lotion on your herpes sores I’m not a doctor I don’t know what I’m talking about).

As for your question, I wouldn’t take the term “wet dream” literally. Vigram’s not a pedophile, and his words aren’t sexual. Just like if you say something’s a pipe dream the speaker doesn’t really think you’re an opium addict. It’s just a colorful way of saying something’s impossible. If anything, the part that should offend you is his enthusiastic stance on child slavery.

No, I’d say the only thing Vigram loves is his horse, and he makes that abundantly clear.

I’ll give you another example to help illustrate how context can alter the literal meaning of something. If I say “OMG this pizza is orgasmic,” I don’t mean that literally. If you were an advocate for the elimination of pizza related pornography, you wouldn’t have to worry about putting me in a room with a Chicago deep dish. All I’m saying is the pizza tastes really, really good.

Despicable Me Toys Cursing:

What are your thoughts on drug testing for E-Sports?

I am all for testing out new drugs. Unless by drug testing you mean the opposite, then well, it depends. If a specific performance enhancing drug, whether it was Adderall or cocaine, was proven to have no side effects, then sure, do whatever you can to make your sport more entertaining. But as far as I know there’s no such thing as a drug without side effects. And even if it’s just one person who experiences these effects, it’s irresponsible to force that person to ingest harmful substances in order to keep his job or compete on a level playing field.

Now, it’d be different if this weren’t sports. No one is going to criticize the Dragonborn if he pumps his butt full of stanozolol the night before he has to face Alduin. The very world is at stake, do you think anyone is going to give a flying fuck if he saved it with chemistry and grew a pair of tits along the way? Maybe the Baseball Writers Association of America, but they’re insane.

MySeoService asks:

I saw a boat full of people on TV today. And it dawned on me that I have never heard anyone use the term “boatload of people” to describe people on an actual boat.

The same could be said about the word “buttload.” But I’m sure there’s a porn that proves otherwise.


2 thoughts on “A Letter…Not Sure Who From”

  1. I’m actually not sure if Ebert was giving two thumbs down on the throat of video games, or using his knuckles while giving two thumbs up for strangulation.

    To be honest that story may be apocryphal.

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