Welcome to another edition of the, er, we’ll say bi-weekly mailbag. All questions are from spammers who send their letters via courier, whether that be in Skyrim or New Vegas.
If any humans would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to email@example.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.
On to the mailbag:
coke for lunch asks:
How did people say “it’s like riding a bicycle” before the invention of the bicycle?
This thought occurred to me as well during a scene in The Knick where Nurse Elkins tries to teach Thackery how to ride a bike. It would have to be an activity that felt awkward at first but became natural once the old muscle memories kicked in. Riding a horse would be the most obvious analogy, but only if you could afford a horse. It’s probably some Victorian term we’ve never heard of, like “crank-nobbing a skidoo-daddle” or “hawkshawing a brick-a-brack.” Once bicycles became mainstream, these idioms went extinct.
Also, is muscle amnesia a thing? I feel like this should be a thing. Like forgetting how to hawkshaw your brick-a-brack.
radioactive mama asks:
I only have a few weeks to spend with my husband before Fallout 4 comes out, when we both leave for Boston for the foreseeable future. How should we spend our final days before the apocalypse comes?
I hope you bought two copies. While it makes sense financially, taking turns is a sure fire way to ruin a marriage. As for how to spend your final days, I have no idea. I hear heroin is fun this time of year.
jobless in seattle asks:
I took a week off work for Fallout 4, but after that I probably won’t have much time to play. How do I maximize my gaming time before real life rears its ugly head?
The short answer is, you aren’t, at least not outside of the game. You can set your alarm clock earlier, but you’ll just get sleepy faster. You could stock up on microwaveable foods, but I’m guessing whatever time you save on cooking you’ll lose on the toilet. Also, your lifespan. No amount of life hacking will do you any good. The ugly head stays on.
The best way to maximize your play time is in the game itself, and you do that by staying alive. As a kid, I probably sunk more hours into a game like Ninja Gaiden then I ever did into Dragon Warrior, because I’d die every ten minutes and have to repeat the level. Save early and often, don’t bring a knife to a nuke fight, and always bring plenty of stimpaks before exploring a new area, and you should avoid having to repeat hours of gameplay.
Cool Hand Starkiller asks:
What if…what if the new Star Wars is bad?
It could be. Making good things is hard and you should expect a high failure rate regardless of how much love and effort you put into it.
I’m pretty sure this is an accurate depiction of how George Lucas felt when he made the prequels.
Volume 1, Pod Racing! Pick up a light saber…nyugh…gah…midi-chlorians…Jar-Jar…Ooh! It rhymes!
And this is the guy who created the fucking thing, a legend among legends. If he can screw up, anyone can. But to answer your question, if it ends up being the spice rack of space operas it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. There are few things in life more constructive than failure. Plus you’ll get a whole bunch of new memes.
nom nom nom de guerre asks:
Whatever happened to vampires? They used to be scary Halloween monsters, not prissy little emos.
Sorry, but that ship has sailed. On the scary scale, vampires have been surpassed by werewolves, politicians, teddy bears with fangs, and most notably, clowns. In fact, there should be a movie where instead of vampires, the monsters are a family of bozos who pop out of a small car and wear oversized shoes. And instead of drinking blood, they grow stronger when you laugh.
That’s why in order to save the town, the protagonist, Kristen Stewart Potter, must convince everyone to always be serious, lest they become cattle for a horde of balloon twisting psychopaths. When a friend tries to tell her a joke, she interrupts the punchline with an anecdote about the time her dog died, before inviting her over to watch the latest Oscar winning documentary.
free leather couch asks:
With Fallout Beer and now Nuka Cola Quantum, what are the odds Bethesda ditches video games to go into the beverage business?
Is there a number less than zero? These are promotional items. The soda game isn’t for amateurs. Quantum is a different story, because it looks like the kind of thing that will kill you to drink it. But if Bethesda so much as hints at selling Nuka-Cola, the lawyers for actual Coca-Cola will be so far up their ass they’ll be throwing up polar bears.
But it’s a nice thought. It’d be pretty cool to have a Super Duper Mart somewhere as a tourist attraction. The shelves could be stocked with Spring Valley Crisps, Nuka-Cola, and Fancy Lads Snack Cakes. There probably wouldn’t be actual food inside though.
Do you have any guilty pleasure mods or TV shows you watch?
Nope. Just pleasures. That is, I don’t believe in feeling guilty about anything culture related. If you like to gamble or eat ballpark hot dogs, those are technically guilty pleasures because that shit is bad for you. And while it’s arguable that some reality shows will cook your brain cells, that’s not why people feel guilty. The guilt comes from being judged by your peers for having bad taste.
And hell, maybe you do. I know I have horrible taste in a wide array of categories from literature to desktop wallpapers, and I make no apologies for it. Because I’ve found it’s better to just own it than worry about what other people think.