Audrey Script

Woman in her 40s, a tad bitchy at times, but likes to have fun and has an acerbic wit. Mid-atlantic accent, like Kat Hepburn but British also okay.

Possibly a ghoul, but if a suitable actor can’t be found will flip to human and change the appropriate ghoul references.


Well, it looks like we’re late to the party again. Not fashionably late, of course, just late.


So I take it you’re the one responsible for this early nightcap.
Must we always end our conflicts with violence? (Sigh) I really do despise your sort, you know.

What did I do?
You exist. You contribute to the decay of civility. Not that I blame you. I’m just as guilty.

The feeling’s mutual.
Good. I like a woman who’s not afraid to be unkind.
What’s the point of being polite if your words stink of dishonesty.

Good. I like a man who’s not afraid to be unkind.

I’m sorry you feel that way.
No, you’re not. You’re the furthest thing from sorry, and that’s alright.
Last time I checked, this isn’t a salon. There’s no need to mask our thoughts in rouge and lipstick.

You’re just jealous because god made you ugly.
Are you sure you aren’t projecting? Although granted, you’re not entirely wrong.
I am rather hideous, but mostly on the inside.

Why do you hate what I’ve done here?
Oh, don’t take it personally, I meant nothing by it. In fact, I’d be doing the same in your place.
Perhaps I should explain. You see, I don’t hate you. I hate everything.
Monsters, westerns, science fiction novels…I hate those most of all.
So imagine my surprise to find myself stuck in one.

Oh come on. Robots, rockets, raiders…what’s not to like?
Well, when you put it that way, I find it hard to disagree.
Killing raiders, after all, is my new favorite hobby, and frankly I’d be lost without them.
Because it’s a lot harder to shoot a man when he doesn’t deserve it.

The world is what you make of it. There are still places where civility rules.
Those places are nothing but a simulacrum. A cheap imitation trapped in a snowglobe.
There are even people who live in vaults, for heaven’s sake. They lock themselves in their tiny little cells like inmates…or fish.
I, for one, will not be a prisoner to my own nostalgia.

I hate those things too. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Is that so? Perhaps we should start our own club. You know, have meetings and secret handshakes and things like that.
It does sound like an awful lot of work though. I’ll let you handle it. Just buzz me when you figure out I was being sarcastic.

Then we should work to make the world a better place.
Well, that depends on what you mean by “better.” Or rather, the process you aim to use.
I am certainly not against shooting people in the name of improving the world. Saving people, well…it’s just not as fun.

I’m sick of your petulant whining. Don’t like the world? Then kill yourself.
Oh, I’ve considered it. Many times. But then I thought, “Why kill me when I can just kill everyone else?”
I know it’s a rather selfish way of doing things, but we all have our weaknesses darling, you understand.

What brought you here?
I just came to mingle, actually. I heard this party was where all the fashionable raiders come to maim, chem, and fornicate.
Not always in that order, of course. God forbid they adhere to some kind of schedule.

What do you do for a living?
I shoot people. Raiders, to be precise. Sometimes for money, but mostly for fun.
Of course, it wasn’t always this way. I used to be an heiress. And before that I was a fetus. So this is technically my third job.

I see. Tell me about your life as a fetus.
Well, it was very wet, and there wasn’t much to do. But I feel like I really grew as a person during those years.

You mentioned being one of five heirs.
That’s right, although a Pre-War fortune might not amount to much.
Not unless father was the world’s foremost collector of soda pop caps.
Although granted, even that might be worthless. Most people I know like to pay in bullets.

How good are you at your job?
How should I know? It’s not like there’s a test for this sort of thing.
If you’re that curious, why don’t you make one up and I’ll take it. And once you’re done testing the rest of this city, you’ll have an idea where I fit.

I want to go back to my earlier questions.
All right.

You must have good sources. I heard the raiders just moved in.
You’re a sharp one, darling. I need to be careful not to grab you from the wrong end.
The truth is I’ve known about this place for quite a while. The owner has something I want.

What would that be exactly?
A number. One of five in total.
You see, once upon a time there was a very rich man, with five very petty children.
So, to ensure their inheritance was divided evenly, he locked his money away in a safe, and gave each of them a piece of the combination.

Jackson told me the owner was dead.
Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t write it down.
Or perhaps one of his slaves overheard something that might serve as a clue.

Who are these people to you?
They’re family, darling. I’m one of the five.

I found a Vault 101 jumpsuit. It might have belonged to a someone I know.
A vault dweller turned slave. Hm…the timing doesn’t match, but I did see someone in a jumpsuit just the other day in Canterbury Commons.
Nice woman, horrible fashion sense.
Either way, she might know something about our slave, who in turn can lead me to the combination.

Perhaps we should pay her a visit.
We? Are you suggesting we work together? We don’t seem like the type of people who dabble in the same circles.
But I suppose it doesn’t matter. It’s not like there’s anyone on this stale, brown dot that wouldn’t bore me.
Sure, why not. It might even be fun.

raiders show up. 

Oh good, it looks like I didn’t completely miss the party after all. Let’s have some fun, shall we?

Kill raiders.

Very well done. I think I’m going to enjoy traveling with you.

Do you have an hobbies or interests?
Few that you’d find useful. Sure, I can gauge the quality of your wine, or teach your hips to smile.
But raiders aren’t much for dancing, and shooting them is more fun anyway.
And the best part is, I don’t have to ask for permission.

That’s rude. I always ask people for permission before shooting them.
You do that darling, and the only person you’ll kill is yourself.

The world could use more dancing and singing.
Now that’s an image. Two people dancing on a broken rooftop, singing in the acid rain.
It’s a date. You bring the gas masks, and I’ll bring the shoes.

Killing is necessary for survival. You shouldn’t take any particular joy in it.
And “joy” isn’t necessary for survival? What’s the point of killing to stay alive if your soul is dead inside.

Well, as long as you enjoy yourself, I don’t see the harm.
Wiser words were never spoken. Theoretically speaking.

What makes you think the escaped slave has the combination number?
Barnaby’s private terminal was hacked and its contents deleted. That would require a level of intelligence far beyond the capabilities of your average raider.
Of all the possible suspects, this vault slave best fits the profile.

What sort of fortune are we talking about here?
Well, I doubt it’s the kind you can spend. Unless you know a man who has a thing for stacks of green paper.
Titles, deeds, all of that is worthless out here. You might say this is more of a personal goal of mine.
Father believed his inheritance plan would force the five of us to cooperate. I’ll take a certain amount of satisfaction in proving him wrong.

What about the other siblings?
Two siblings, actually. No, scratch that, with Barnaby’s death there’s one. Not counting yours truly.
And regardless of what you may have heard, you can always count on me.

What not work with your remaining kin?
Work…with Arthur? Oh no darling, my brothers and sisters are not the sort of people you want to partner with.
Besides, what would be the fun in that?

So there’s no financial gain to this quest?
Yes, it’s a rather loathsome task. Like I said, I hate everything, this included.
But hating and needing are not mutual exclusive. And I do assure you obtaining the full combination will be worth your while and mine.

Why would you want to defy your father?
Oh, there was nothing wrong him, if that’s what you’re implying. It’s his children who are morally bankrupt.

Where’d you learn to fight?
Well, it’s not rocket science. It’s more like whistling. You just press your finger on the trigger and blow.
Their brains out, that is. Anywhere else is just a flesh wound.

I want to discuss your combat style.
I’m always up for a discussion that involves me. What do you need?

Very well. What would you like to discuss?

Distance Long
Of course. Near or far, I’m sure the bullets will make up the distance.

Stay Close
Ha, it’s not often those words are spoken to a ghoul.

Good. Anything else would be uncivilized.

Darling, you really shouldn’t mess with a good thing. But all right.

By all means, take what you must.
Of course.
They say if you’re ever in need of a helping hand, look at the end of your arm. But I suppose mine will do for now.
There’s no such thing as a fair trade. So why bother? Take what you will.
Leave the whiskey, will you?
Share and share alike, I never say. But there’s a first time for everything.
Very well.
All right.

Certainly, my dear. I’ll wait here until you get back.

All right. Let’s go.

All right, I’ll be waiting for you in Springvale.

All right, I’ll be waiting for you at the commons.

All right, I’ll meet you at Jury Street Station.

Understood, I’ll be in Rivet City when you’re ready to proceed.

I was sure I’d welcome this day, but I find myself oddly disappointed. Well, no need for goodbyes, I’m sure our paths will cross again.

Very well, I’ll be home if you need me.

Understood. I’ve had a splendid time, by the way, but this certainly wasn’t it.

You read my mind, darling. Let’s go.

Then put me in your pocket, darling. I’ll do my best to enjoy the ride.

Sure. One of us will need to change, however. I know standards have changed, but wearing the same clothes is still in bad taste.

Audrey, I need you to go into that chamber and turn on the purifier.
Of course. What are ghouls for if not being sponges for radiation? Now aren’t you glad you brought me along?

That’s all for now.
Until next time then.
Of course.
Until we meet again.



Any thoughts on our current task?
Canterbury Commons is on the east side of D.C. The town’s got a lot of eccentrics, so this vault dweller will probably blend in nicely.

when told Alicia didn’t pack her luggage when leaving Canterbury

Hm…that doesn’t seem very ladylike, although she didn’t strike me as the type to care. Where was she staying?

Across the street in Uncle Roe’s garage. It isn’t locked as far as I know.

Thanks. We’ll take a look and see if we can’t bring her her things.

enter garage

It looks like someone else was here. Unless your friend Alicia likes to flip over the table when making an exit.
Let’s have a look around. The bad feeling I have about everything is starting to tickle.

find corpse

Damn, another body. My streak continues.
Well, I don’t mean to make light of the dead, but our chief concern should be the living.
The man at the diner said your friend moved to Springvale, right?
That’s just outside of Megaton. If we hurry, we can get there before they do.

Any thoughts on our current task?
We need to head to Springvale to talk to this Vault woman. You know, the one in the hideous jumpsuit.
It should be a crime to wear those, by the way. But I suppose that’s what they mean by lawlessness.

You might want to check on your friend, darling. She shouldn’t be out there by herself.

Here, the player goes to see the person from Vault 101. Her husband, Hank tells her to go outside where mercs are waiting to kill her. Player kills mercs. Upon re-entering the house, he/she sees Audrey has captured Hank is readying him for interrogation.

Look who I caught trying to sneak out the back door. Not the most romantic boyfriend, is he?

Not that he ever cared about Alicia’s welfare. I think it’s quite clear he’s the one who set her up.

Yes, the only question is why.
Love and money are the usual culprits, but neither apply in this case. Maybe it has to do with your vault friend.

I don’t know. He could just be a coward.
Perhaps, but my intuition tells me he knew they were coming.

Are you sure? We already knew someone was after her. 
And I suspect this man is part of the same group. I actually caught him looking out the window before he conveniently suggested Alicia go outside.

If he had something to do with it, he’ll pay.
Yes, of course, but before he pays the ultimate price, let’s make sure to shake him for loose change.

How do you suggest we proceed?
Well, I’ve always been partial to a little good cop, bad cop, but you can also try reasoning with him, or simply beating him into submission.

Good cop, bad cop sounds like a decent plan.
Splendid. I’ll play the bad cop then. After all, I’ve been playing it all my life.
Also, see if you can’t find anything else around here that might reveal his guilt.
We don’t want to focus on the interrogation and miss the smoking gun.

I’ll play it by feel, no need to play any specific role.
All right, you lead this dance, and I’ll do my best to follow.

Let’s just use violence.
(Sigh) And so began the end of Western civilization. Not with a whimper, but with a bang.
Very well, do what you must. But try not to kill the boy before he gives us what we need.

if Audrey is Good Cop

Look, we don’t want to hurt you, it doesn’t have to come to that. But my friend here doesn’t take kindly to liars.

if Audrey is bad cop, and Hank refuses player’s offer for a drink

Well I could always boil you some water, and then pour it on your head. Although it’d be a shame to burn such smooth skin.
Oh wait, I’m a ghoul. I despise smoothskins.

if Hank accepts the water

It sounds like our friend has a guilty conscience. It’s going to be so much fun forcing you to confess.

if player tells Hank Alicia’s okay

Really? Is that the response you’re going with? You don’t want to see her? You’re just going to trust two complete strangers?
I don’t think you give two caps whether Alicia’s alive or not. Maybe if we chop off a few fingers, you might start giving us some honest answers.

if Hank says he had nothing to do with it

And so that wasn’t you who sent her fumbling through the front door while you darted for the back?
Not to mention when the way you kept your head low before the bullets even started flying. Awfully suspicious, don’t you think?

threaten to have Audrey eat him like a zombie

Well, I would prefer to garnish and prepare you first, but I’ve been known to eat a man raw on occasion.

more bad cop

Oh, enough with the talk. Let’s just pour acid up his nose, that will make an honest man out of him!

bad cop again, in response to Hank questioning whether player telling the truth about Alicia’s death

What does it matter? It’s not like you care whether she lives or dies. Just like I don’t care how much pain you’ll suffer when we torture you.

kill suspect, fail quest

Oh dear, it appears you killed him. Didn’t I warn you not to do that? Although to be honest, I can’t remember.
Oh well, my motto is, you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And if you break all the eggs, have a muffin instead.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m starving. Let’s go grab a bite to it.

fail to interrogate

Well, so much for the civilized approach. Because this clearly isn’t working. Try using your fists instead of your tongue.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be able to get a confession with words. And I’d say this is more your field of expertise.

correctly interrogate

Oh dear, you’re a worse liar than my sister Antoinette, but at least she had the courage to try and kill me herself.

I don’t know what you want from me.

What I want is the truth, darling, nothing more, nothing less. And the way I see it, you have two choices.
Either you stick to your current story and I kill you for being a coward, or you confess and live a long, cowardly life. What’s it going to be?

finish correct interrogation

I swear, I’ve told you everything. Now let me go!

Oh, how adorable, he thinks we’re going to let him live.


Or we could sell him to slavers, that would be quite…I want to say “ironic” but that’s clearly not the right word here.

No, please, you can’t!

Oh, I’m just having a laugh, darling. I don’t make the decisions here, in case you haven’t noticed.
I do detest violence, however. So I’ll be waiting outside.

meet outside

(saddened) I’m sorry about your friend. That seems to be the price of doing business in the wastes. Bodies, and blood.
Can’t say I like it, but again, what is there to like about anything.

I’m sorry too. I’m going to miss Alicia.
Fashion sense aside, she seemed like a wonderful woman.
I wish I could be that trusting of people. It’s the one thing I miss about youth. Well, besides the skin.

Someone just died. Don’t be so callous.
Oh, is that what I’m being? Here I was trying to be a shoulder to cry on.
Not literally of course, We can’t have your tears staining the suit.
But in all seriousness, I don’t like it when bad things happen to people who don’t deserve it.

Come on, I barely knew the woman, and you even less so.
Ha, I never imagined when we paired up that I would be the sentimental one.
And yet here I stand like some Pre-War dame, sad over a woman I couldn’t pick out of a two person lineup.

There’s nothing to like about these wastes. We agree on that much.
Yes, and the sad thing is I was just starting to warm up to it. Then we came here.

Are you gonna be all right?
Not entirely, no. This streak of bodies I’m on is starting to weigh on me.
The truth is I can deal with the cowboys, monsters, and even god forbid the science fiction, if it meant at the end of the day, good people got to live.
But I’m not so sure there’s a place for good people in this world.
Oh god…does this mean I’m developing a conscience?

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When you have family like I do, it absolutely would.
But I suppose if it stays between you and me, I can mourn your friend without feeling guilty.

Please don’t. I like you cynical and mean.
Oh, I’m sure I’ll still be both of those things. But maybe only when the situation warrants it.

In tough times, people either gain a conscience or lose it. You chose well.
I hope you’re right. In my family, a good conscience is usually seen as a weakness.
But I suppose if it works for you, I can mourn your friend without the fear of being naive.

I don’t know. Your moral compass is the least of my concerns at the moment.
And it shouldn’t be. Not when you’re losing people you care about.

Thanks. I appreciate it.
Well, just know that I’m here if you need me. In fact, I suggest you take a little break.
When you’re ready, I’ll arrange for a meeting with a friend  in Rivet City.
With his help, we’ll infiltrate this army and find out exactly where your friend Gabriel is hiding.

That’s all well and good, but I’m thinking more about our next move.
As am I, believe it or not. If we want to get close to this organization, we’ll need to go undercover.
I think we should arrange a meeting with a friend of mine  in Rivet City.
I’ll have more details when we arrive. For now though, you worry about your other tasks. Let me handle this one.

Any thoughts on our current task?
Well, we’ll have to find out where this Gabriel makes his home. And even if we find it, I doubt we’ll be welcome with open arms.
We’ll need a plan, and my man in Rivet City will have one.


Tzen, this is the last time I’m gonna tell you this. Shut off the damn radio!
You’re irritating all the other shopkeepers with that Chinese crap!

(In Chinese)
Get lost, you worthless dog! I’ll do whatever I please!

Jesus fucking Christ. You don’t understand a word I’m saying, do you? (Sigh) I need a different shift. 


Oh Tzen, you really need to stop hectoring the guards. You aren’t exactly a Trojan warrior, after all.

Well, at least I’m not a bloodsucking zombie like you Audrey.

Granted, I despise pulp in all its forms, but as far as I know zombies don’t suck blood. 

I didn’t say they did. You, on the other hand, are the biggest parasite I have ever known. What do you want this time?

Actually, this time I’m asking for a friend. And just to prove I’m not making her up, I even brought her here to explain.

And just to prove I’m not making him up, I even brought him here to explain.

while player talks to tzen, audrey interrupts

Enough with the riddles, Tzen. Just point and tell me where to shoot.

You know I don’t work like that Audrey. The shouwei may not have ears, but they still have eyes.

after Tzen explains plan to player to find and shadow target and steal key 

I see. So we hit them where they sleep, and hit them where they eat. I like it.
Well, that’s not entirely true, I don’t like anything, least of all sneaking around.
I’ll leave that to you. In the meantime, I’ll be at the Muddy Rudder, doing my best to stay out of your way.

Don’t worry, I have complete faith in your abilities. When you’re done, come by the bar and we’ll plan what comes next.

player gets the key, heads on to the Muddy Rudder

Oh good, you’re here, and not a moment too soon. It looks like I’ve made a few friends while you were gone.
Three of them, in fact. I mean I know I’m charming but really, this is too much.

You really can pick ’em, Audrey.
Oh, just lucky I guess. My favorite is the one on the balcony. An assault rifle by the looks of it.
I almost feel sorry for the poor fellow who has to clean up.

I take it you mean the three well-armed strangers.
Strangers to you, maybe. The one with the little chainsaw has been undressing me for hours.
You’d think he’d have the courtesy to buy me a drink first.

You’re obviously on chems if you think anyone is paying attention to the likes of you.
You underestimate my womanly guile. Or was it my ghoulish smile?
Oh dear, I didn’t mean for that to rhyme. I’m not even half drunk and I’m already blathering like an idiot.
Which leads me to believe my suitors aren’t exactly interested in chatting.

A foursome, huh. Am I invited or do I at least get to watch?
I don’t think you were meant to join us, actually. They were ready to make their move before you walked in.
I’m talking about a gunfight of course, not the sexual nonsense you were referring to.

What’s our plan of attack?
Oh, there’s no time for that, darling. In about ten seconds the one to my right is going to reach for her gun.
Did I say ten? Make that three…two…one…

Assassin screams:

For the free men!

Assassins attack, killed

Maybe you can come with us. We could use the extra hand.

No thanks. I have my own business to take care of. And one favor is more than enough. 

But if you’d like to repay it, come by the Temple when you’re done hunting your man. By then, I may have a lead on mine.

(sarcastic) Well, he seems like a pleasant fellow.
Fortunately, what he lacks in manners he makes up for with gunplay.
And I have to say, that shootout was quite invigorating. My doctor always told me a steady diet of bullets was good for the skin.

Yes, you’re positively glowing.
Oh, you never want to say that to a ghoul. It’s bad luck, you know.
In any case, I think we’ve exfoliated enough skin for one day.

I’m afraid all the bullets in the world wouldn’t help.
I suppose you’re right. Although I’d say ninety percent of the world’s bullets are in this bar.
What’s another ten percent?
But I suppose we’ve exfoliated enough skin for one day.

That’s too bad then, because I don’t think I got hit by a single bullet.
Really? I don’t see how that’s even possible. This place is more bullet than bar now. But far be it for me to call you a liar.

I can’t believe you’re making jokes. We almost died there.
Oh come on, what’s the point in cheating death if you can’t enjoy the spoils? Leave the grumbling and the pouting to honest people.

Then these corpses should be pristine after the lead I fed them.
Yes, that was quite a meal. I do like how you inserted the bullets directly into the stomach. Much easier to digest that way.

That’s terrible advice. You should change physicians.
Well I could, but I’ve been on the family health plan now for two hundred years. It’d be awkward to change now.

Why do you think they sent these men after you?
Men are all the same, darling. This is no different than sending us a dozen roses and a box of chocolates for Arbor Day.
In other words, he’s getting desperate. Which means we must be getting close to finding him. Did you manage to get the key?

I got it. All that’s left to do now is find Gabriel.
And I’m sure he’ll be dying to see us both.
Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m allowed a bad pun every now and then. Let’s go.

Any thoughts on our current task?
Tzen said the factory was connected to the Jury Street tunnels. It’ll likely be full of guns and noodles I assume, but thankfully no robots.
Life is already a fiction, there’s no point compounding the mistake by making science an adjective.

if dismissed

Reach Metro

Well, this is Jury Street. There’s two separate tunnels connecting from the main station. We want to take the door that’s locked.

Hm…the factory appears to be empty. Perhaps they knew we were coming.

But if that’s the case, then why not roll out the red carpet? Why aren’t bullets raining down like confetti?

You almost sound disappointed.
Are you suggesting I like violence? Nonsense. But I can’t say I like the quiet either.

Would you have preferred an armed escort?
I would prefer a hot bath and some hot camomile tea. Failing that, some indication we’re on the right track would be nice.

Don’t drop your guard. We assume it’s trap until we know otherwise.
Oh, I always assume the worst. The problem is my assumptions are entirely too accurate for my liking.

Maybe everyone’s out to lunch.
Is it that time already? It’s hard to tell when you’re journeying to the center of the earth.

They’re scared and hiding. As they should be.
I hope it’s not on account of our last date. Unfortunately for our dance partners, it wasn’t the kind you could walk away from.

Let’s just keep moving. There may be another entrance further down.

(to better segue from a joke)
In any case, let’s just keep moving.

Hm…the entrance seems to be barred from the other side. Perhaps they knew we were coming.

My word…It’s a vault…I know this must feel like a homecoming, but tread carefully.

player enters vault, confronts Gabriel, but Audrey captured. If Gabriel is killed, you go to save Audrey to find she’s killed her captors.

Hello darling, did you miss me?

I kind of did, actually.
Well, I missed you too. But lucky for me, I didn’t extend them the same courtesy.

I didn’t even notice you were gone.
Well, granted I wasn’t gone for long. But it seemed like I’d be gone forever when the gun tapped the back of my head.

Are you all right?
Well, I’ve got a nasty welt from where that guard jabbed his rifle into my neck, but seeing as he’s dead, I suppose we’re even.
Other than that, yes, I appear to be just fine.

I’m just disappointed you got yourself captured.
Oh, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Especially in this case, seeing as I spilled it right into a cup.

How did you manage to get free?
Sheer disgust, really. These three made the mistake of using the bathroom as a holding cell.
When I couldn’t stand the smell any longer, I decided to hell with living and wrestled away a gun.
What about you? Did you manage to find Gabriel?

Gabriel’s dead.
Rats, and I take it he didn’t shout out a random number as he crumpled to the ground?
Well, I suppose this is all father’s fault in the end. He should’ve known the five of us wouldn’t play nice.
Come on, let’s get out of this vault before more of these Free Men return.

on the way out, see ex-slave cowering

Oh dear, I almost killed this one. Go on, get out of here!
(sigh) It’s almost like he wants me to shoot him.

Not that it mattered much. You do realize we don’t have to kill the ones that are cowering in the corners. (Sigh) Ah well, I suppose they are holding guns.

vault door closed

It looks like they broke the control panel, but I doubt these Free Men wanted to be buried here alive.
What’s that old saying, “when one door closes another opens?”
Let’s hope that’s literal.
We can start by searching the bodies for a key.

exit vault

Looks like we made it out, and I for one am relieved. I think we lost enough karma in there to last a lifetime.
Lucky for me I don’t believe in Hindu magic.

(alternate, if people saved)
Looks like we made it out, and for once we didn’t kill everyone to do it.
I know we lost a lot of karma, but I still call that progress.

Me neither. Only good old fashioned Christian magic for me.
Well, the whole water into wine bit does seem to be less pocus and more hocus if you ask me.
But in all seriousness, I do think we could’ve been more civil. Some of those “soldiers” weren’t even fighting back.

But in all seriousness, I think we showed quite a bit of restraint in there.
That’s a new feeling after two hundred years, and you’re the reason for it.

As far as I’m concerned, bad karma is good karma.
Normally I’d agree wholeheartedly, but it seems in our travels I’ve developed bit of a conscience.
I wonder if my skin is starting to get as thin as my hair.

If it weren’t for your heroics, my skin would be as thin as my hair.

What happened to developing a conscience?
Yes, that. It turns out that was just a cyst.
No, I’m kidding of course. It’s there, and it’s definitely eating away at me.
I just find it easier to deflect my inadequacies instead of tackling them head on.

That conscience of yours is developing nicely.
Really? And here I thought it was a cyst. Good to know.
Although to be honest I’d probably have dozens of oddly shaped lumps if it weren’t for you.

They attacked us first. We did nothing wrong in there.
As much as I’d like to believe that, I get the nagging feeling that some of them didn’t deserve it.
I suppose you might say, well, what’s one more? But you have to admit it, it does add up.

It was nothing short of a miracle that we didn’t kill more.
Yes, I hate to say all humans look alike, but you kind of do.
You’re my favorite human though, having saved my life.

If people killed:

I realize that, but it’s over now. We move on.
Ever the forward one, aren’t you. But yes, you’re right.
Regardless of the way it went down, I’m glad you came back for me.

In the end, we lived, they didn’t. That’s how it goes.
It seems to go that way more often than not. The weak devoured by the strong.
But regardless of the way it went down, I’m glad you came back for me.

There’s no need to mourn a bunch of nameless fools.
We may not know their names, but they were people. Good ones. Just a little confused, I’d say.

Yes, I know what you mean. Those poor people. God rest their souls.
I suppose we can ask for their forgiveness in the next life, if not this one.
Either way, that doesn’t change the fact that you saved my life.

if people saved:

It was nothing. Don’t sweat it.
Don’t worry, I can’t “sweat it,” because I think my pores are sealed shut.

I only helped you because I thought you’d help me get rich.
Well I told you, even if we had the combination, the contents are worthless. My only real goal was to make my little brother come in second.
Because when you’ve lived two hundred years, you tend to act like a juvenile.

Just another day in the life of the Lone Wanderer.
Yes, and yet for some reason you haven’t gotten sick of it yet. We really are two different people.

Actually, you pretty much saved yourself, if you recall.
Oh right, I did, didn’t I. Then perhaps I should find a mirror, so I can thank myself properly.
In any case, when you have a moment, I’d like you to meet me in Springvale.
There’s one last bit of business we need to take care of.

player arrives at Springvale. Audrey is there, having made a grave for Alicia. 

she breaks the silence, as the two stare at the grave

I thought, given her taste in attire, something simple would be nice.

But if you don’t like it, we can always change it.

She would’ve liked simple. Path of least resistance and all.
I think so too. It really is the blue jumpsuit of graves.
But perhaps showing a little empathy for once is a good thing.

It’s perfect. Thank you.
You’re welcome. I know I didn’t know her as well as you did, but something about her reminded me of all the people I’ve lost.
People who died right in front of me and I never gave so much as a yawn.
I thought maybe if I did this small deed, it’d feel like I was doing some good.

You didn’t have to do this. Really.
It wasn’t for you, or for her, really. I felt like I needed to do this for me.
Perhaps I can’t give them all proper burials, but I thought, at least if I do this one, it’d feel like I was doing some good.

But you’re aren’t good. And that’s why I like you.
Well, then I guess you’ll be liking me less and less as time goes by.
But if you’ll allow me to get a little more sentimental, I’d like to say a few words.

We all have our good days and bad. It’s part of being human.
Ha, human is one thing I shall never be. But if you’ll allow me to fake it, I’d like to say a word or two.

So how do you feel?
Like a bad person still, but now there’s a small part of me, very far down that might have a sliver of doubt.
It might even be prone to speeches, provided you allow it.

Of course.
I just wanted to say…I’ve been around a long time. Too long. And for the most part it’s been a show on endless repeat.
I thought I was sick of it all, but your friendship is proof there are still things worth living for.
And for that I thank you.
Now enough with the emotional claptrap. Let’s go hunt some raiders.

Fine, but make it quick.
You’ll have to forgive me then, because brevity is not my strength.
I’ve lived a long life. Too long. But your friendship is proof there are still things worth living for.



With the combination lost, does this mean your inheritance is locked away forever?
In theory, yes, but I doubt Arthur would believe anything I say, least of all the truth.
So I still have my brother to deal with, but we can worry about that another time.

Do you think we’ll hear from the Free Men again?
Without question, my dear.
While I doubt there’s enough of them to start harassing you on the road, I’d certainly take pause the next time someone at the bar winks at you.



I once met a girl who told me to “love your life.” Well, I suppose it’s not the first time I’ve been in an abusive relationship.

How about we find some raider village and do a little target practice? I get bored when there’s no one to shoot.

There’s nothing more stimulating than a disagreement.

I welcome death. For one, it means no more waking up in the middle of the night. Not unless you’re hungry for brains.

Only a dog asks for a reward. You either do it because you want to, or you have a contract that tells you.

The other day a man told me about the science behind gender superiority.
And I told him that no matter how inferior he seemed, that I’d continue treating him as an equal.

Never lose sight of the fact that we know nothing. And some people less than that.

I’m not averse to a little fun. The problem is, the law doesn’t always agree on the definition.

I don’t know what you’re expecting to get out of this partnership. But that doesn’t really matter, does it.
All that matters is what you’re willing to give.

I think it’s a good idea to break a rule every now and then, just to be sure you can think for yourself.
Even better if the rule is one of your own.

In life, always do what you think is best. That way, at least one person in this world will die happy.

I never explain why I do what I do. You’re going to make your own conclusions, so why bother making myself a liar.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women suit each other. Or people. for that matter.
There’s a reason why man’s best friend is a mindless, stupid mutt.

I don’t care what people say about me, so long as it’s interesting.

There’s a rather large chasm between love and hate, and yet both call stupidity their neighbor.

Life is full of censorship. If I met a random stranger, I couldn’t spit in his eye, and I damn sure as hell couldn’t show him my breasts.
But I can put a bullet in his brain. That much is allowed. Heh, not that I’m complaining.

I’ve found at my age the things you used to love often become a chore. Eating, sleeping, loving.
No wonder old people are so bitter. They’re jealous of who they used to be.

If you want to sacrifice the flattery of all men for the criticism of one, then yes, get married.
Of course, I’ve never been the type to trust a compliment, or practice what I preach.

People deserve a second chance. That’s why god invented suitcases.

The world is full of has-beens, will-bes and never-was. The question you have to ask yourself is, which one are you?

I don’t like thieves, but I’m not against giving a first-time offender a slap on the wrist. I just make sure to use a machete.

Some people really are what they eat. They’re as plain as Mac and Cheese. Don’t be one of them.

Have you ever met someone who works in entertainment? Idiots, every last one of them.
But intelligence is overrated.

When you’re a socialite, you learn to do a lot of things.
You learn to dance like Fred Astaire, you learn to smile like Chaplin, and drink like Sinatra.
None of it is useful in the real world, of course. But what is?
Doctors help us live. Artists teach us how.

The comedians in this city always make me laugh. One of these days I’m going to listen to their jokes.

Men are like cigarettes. They can be a pleasure, but they’ll kill you in the process.

My dear, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that outfit, so I’ll do my best to keep you alive.

They always say to look out for the quiet ones. They’re usually the ones with the strange fetishes.
I think the same could be said for the trees here. They may be green, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic.

(when player sneaks into a suburban basement and finds out Andale family are murderous cannibals)
You know just once I’d like to rifle through someone’s personal belongings and be embarrassed for suspecting foul play.
Unfortunately, today is not that day.

I think I hear voices, although naturally it sounds like gibberish.
If these horrors are trying to frighten us with their poor grasp of English, then I believe they’re succeeding.
The bones and the statues, on the other hand, wouldn’t scare me if they came out of lagoon.

I’ve heard the Talon Company is willing to undertake jobs other men won’t do.
Finally a group of men who won’t complain when I ask them to carry my luggage.

Does it really need to be called the Underworld? If these ghouls want to be respectable, they should work on their branding.

It’s a sad state of affairs when the Museum of Technology is more advanced than the present.

If you’re feeling homesick you’re more than welcome to move in. Although I suppose it would be like living in a dollhouse.
Enchanting until you realize the plumbing doesn’t work.

Rockets, airplanes, planetariums…this is the kind of science that I can stomach.
The talking robots and time traveling aliens are what cause me to retch.

Weddings always make me cry. It’s hard not to tear up watching two people throw their lives away.

Churches are so depressing, weddings even more so. Where else can you see two people sign a contract to be eternally miserable?

Well, this is an odd little town. So many dull looks and sweaty palms. If I had to guess, this must be where wealthy people throw away the children they don’t like.

So the Underworld doctors are working on a cure for ghouls? I don’t know how to feel about that.
Immortality has its benefits, after all.

I spent a night in the Statesman once, and given how filthy the beds were, I can see why they built a hospital next to it.

And it looks like we’re late for the party once more. But to be honest I’ve had my fill of mutants for one lifetime.

It appears Talon Company and the mutants are fighting over the Capitol Building. Lobbying for a bills used to be much more discreet.

Might I suggest we take the long way around? I doubt this alley is the gateway to Shangri-La.

I’ve heard slaves and slavers alike will buy Lincoln related artifacts. Well, he is the great unifier, after all.

They call this place Greener Pastures. Normally I’m a fan of ironic names, but not when it’s beaten into you with a sledgehammer.

charnel house

I wonder if it ever occurred to these raiders that they could rebuild this house. Oh who am I kidding, a bomb would make for a better carpenter.

I have no idea why these ghouls were so hostile toward us. It must be the suit.

The heart and mind are like two parents fighting. It’s especially problematic because they live in the same house.

Did you see that trailer full of Sugar Bombs? If we didn’t kill these raiders, their diet would have.

A secret hatch, a ham radio and two dead Chinese soldiers. Granted, I’m no doctor, but it looks like they were bored to death.

Some say the slowest way to die is to live. But only when you’re not having fun.

A car fort, how lovely. Back in my day we used to call this rush hour.

From what I gather these used to be estates. I’d like to make a quip about how the mighty have fallen, but they didn’t fall so much as they were incinerated.

As a ghoul, everything about you is soft. So your organs tend to blend together.
But I’m fairly certain if I had a heart, it was absorbed into my liver. Because now I drink more and care less than I ever did as a human.

Places like this defy supply and demand. No one drinks this much soda, yet the bottles keep getting made.

Of all the things you’ll find in a raider camp, a cash register is perhaps the last thing I expected.

National guard depot
I’ve never liked government facilities. Of course, with no government, I suppose they’re just facilities now.

So this is the Republic of Dave. Well, I’ll tell you right now, the kingdom of Audrey doesn’t think much of it.

Did you see those suitcases by the door? Those poor people were about a day late and a vault short.

It’s strange no one’s disarmed the bomb yet. Then again, if it isn’t broke, then I can’t imagine wanting to risk a fix either.

[Essential] Don’t take any unnecessary risks.
So you’re concerned about me? How sweet. I didn’t think you cared.

[Non-Essential] Do whatever you can to win a fight.
Well, I’ll certainly try.

Generic Combat Idles





Look out!

I’ve got this one!

Too easy!

I’ve got you now!


Post Combat 

Well, that’s going to leave a mark.

I enjoy it when we get in fights. Even more when we win.

That went about as smoothly as a virgin at a brothel.

Ah. Always good to get a little exercise, don’t you think?

Well, I feel rather stretched out. How about another?

I forget, do you like to drink before or after a fight? Just don’t say both or neither, I wouldn’t tolerate either answer.

And with every hostile we kill, we add to our collection of junk. Splendid.

Phew. I’m not sure what gets more exercise in a gun fight. My legs, or my heart.

Killing things isn’t supposed to be sensible you know. I’m telling you, this world is backwards.

And they’re dead. Well done, darling.

All right, so what’s next?

Excellent work. You’re getting good at this.

Well, this diner is rather grisly. Nice of the raiders to warn us they were coming.

The Lincoln Memorial would be a fitting place for former slaves to hide. Fitting and obvious. Of course, it’s not as if slavers have studied up on their history.

Raider filth amuses me. If you want to be a counterculture group, you don’t make a mess. You clean it up.

I don’t think I’d have the patience to live in a town like Springvale. And the raiders tend to lower the property value.

It seems like the owner of this saloon has life figured out. He has a girl in his arm, a drink in his hand, and a ghoul to stand next to.

So you’ve fixed the leaks. Now all we need to do is fix the water.

So you’ve fixed the leaks. And you’ve fixed the water. Now all you need to do is turn it into wine.

Springvale Elementary
Given most raiders read at an elementary school level, I guess it’s natural they’d end up here.

hooker hired
If you’re going upstairs with that woman, I’d recommend bringing a stimpak. Or a radiation suit.

Well, this is a delightful little wharf. I’d love to sit down and have a Chardonnay. The wine I have. All we need now is a chair that isn’t covered in gum.

Strange place for a farm, don’t you think. I’m sure the soldiers of Anchorage will be happy to know their memorial is infested with mutant crabs and creatures from the Black Lagoon.

tepid sewer full of molerats and raiders
This place has no shortage of vermin. And I’m not referring to the molerats.

Dukov is quite the character, isn’t he. Sex, chems, and a Russian accent. That’s at least three dimensions right there.

The sign says “Sale.” Well, that’s hard to believe. I imagine if canned goods and soda pop were marked down any lower, they’d have to pay the customers to take them.

Brahmin is pronounced bra-min
If these ghouls want more potent Jet, then they ought to just stick their heads up a Brahmin’s backside. Or do they not know where it comes from.


It doesn’t surprise me that your father is a hard man to find. Given what he knows, I imagine it isn’t just relatives that are looking for him.


Ask the people of Big Town about their captured friends.
20 Rescue the Big Town captives from the Super Mutants.

I’m not entirely sure there’s a point to saving Red. It would be like rebuilding a house near a volcano. It’s not the foundation, it’s the lava.

25 Rescue Red.
30 Escort Red safely back to Big Town.
40 [Optional] Rescue Shorty.
45 Escort Shorty safely back to Big Town.
49 Icon check Explain Red’s death to the people of Big Town. (If Red dies)
50 Icon check Speak to Red about your reward.

200 Player has defended town from mutants

I stand corrected. You proved this town could survive a mutant attack. Let’s just hope that’s the worst of it.


Well, this shopkeeper must be doing quite well if she can afford her own mercenary. And this town must be full of thieves if she feels the need to hire one.

I don’t mean to tell you how to do your business, but writing a survival guide feels backwards to me.
We should be encouraging people to build settlements, not travel the wastes like animals.



10 Find Bryan Wilks’s father.
I’ve never seen ants like the ones in Grayditch. But if they’re like most ants, we best aim for the antennae.

20 Deliver the bad news to Bryan Wilks
Well, I’ve never been good with children, so I’ll let you break the news. But if you need someone to give the gory details, I’m here.

30 Remove the source of the Fire Ants.
35 Investigate Marigold Metro Station and remove the source of the Fire Ants.
40 Eliminate all five Nest Guardians from the Ant Queen’s Hatchery.
42 (Optional) Do not harm the Ant Queen.
43 Send the Inhibitor Pulse from Lesko’s portable terminal or Kill the Ant Queen.

If you want my opinion, I suggest we help the scientist. It’s clear he can offer the best reward.

45 Return to Doctor Lesko.
50 Return to Bryan Wilks.
52 Find Bryan Wilks in Grayditch.
60 Icon check Find a home for Bryan Wilks.

Well, that was a lovely foray. I don’t think I’d want to come back to this town though, ants or no ants.

10 Deliver Lucy’s message to Arefu.
So we’re delivering letters now. I suppose if we’re going to travel the wastes anyway, we might as well as be carrier pigeons too.

15 Discover what the Family did in Arefu.

20 Check the West Residence.(see blood and guts everywhere)
Oh my word. Not even raiders go this far. I think I see teeth marks in the organs.

21 Check the Schenzy Residence.
22 Check the Schenzy Residence.
25 Report to Evan King.
30 Locate the Family

I doubt anyone here knows anything. We’ll need to talk to this “Family” to find out more.

40 Locate Ian West.

Oh dear, do these people really think they’re vampires? Perhaps we should put cloves of garlic in our pockets and see if they twitch.

50 Speak to Vance about Ian’s decision.
60 Icon check Return to Evan King.

So it turns out Ian West is just an ordinary cannibal. I’m almost disappointed.

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