Forever Alone at the Top of the World

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Let me tell you about a Nord named Hagravi. Found in Ivarstead. Face of a hagraven. Relationship status, unmarried. That’s right, not one person in the known cyberverse has married him. Can’t say the same for Veralene. Or Dagri’lon. Or Skjel. But not a bad guy. Perhaps it’s time you got to know him.

He once taught a horker to play the ukele. Unafraid to wear pink, but not a fan of pleather. Likes avocados. Autumn is his favorite season and word. Swears the best Vietnamese food he ever had was in a strip mall in rural Louisiana. Can tell Masser from Secunda. Respects his elders, mother nature, and a woman’s right to brawl.

Believes in honest pay for honest work. Likes to chew on straws of wheat. Favorite music is the sound of the ocean. Favorite book is The Odyssey. Has seen the world but isn’t annoying about it. Would turn off his cell phone in the movie theater if he wasn’t in the library. Still hasn’t read a book. Remembers an acquaintance’s birthday, might forget their name. Drinks his coffee black. Never speeds through a yellow light. Has a soft spot for orphans. Loves to laugh.

Only hunts for food, never for sport. Always lets the bugs outside, never squashes them. Bad with directions, good when you direct him. Won’t leave the toilet seat up a second time. Knows the difference between a Koto and a Guqin. Made chicken soup the night you got the flu. Dislikes the concept of autographs, prefers to shake your hand. Once said “I love you” on the first date and managed to not make it weird. Likes telling stories. Never gives away spoilers.

Will volunteer to use the shitty, knock-off controller. Never calls shotgun before the car is in range. Will sleep outside before crashing on your couch. Washes his hands before he cooks, covers his mouth when he coughs. Has a temper but rarely shows it. Prefers dogs to cats, but respects the feline’s sense of adventure. Cleans out the lint from the dryer. Takes out the trash without prompting. Calls it how he sees it. Believes breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Uses the constellations as a compass. Still bad with directions.

Always uses a coaster. Will hold his cup in absence of one. Will politely hand a mic to the next performer. Will never, ever, drop it. Always uses his turn signals before switching lanes.Thinks the gods are painters. Knows good art when he sees it. Forgave his parents for leaving him. Doesn’t blame Yoko Ono. Gives out the good candy on Halloween. Never owned a camera. Takes pictures with his eyes. Stores them in his heart.

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Morndas Mug

barware-mug-es-morndas-fullThis was posted on Facebook’s Skyrim Modders United.  Now you can drink your skoo– (I mean… coffee, or cocoa) in style with your “I hate Morndas” mug!  Available now at The Bethesda Store.

Just don’t drink from it in the company of a certain thief who stole the day, cause she’ll have something snarky to say about it, mark my words.  If she could read, that is.  Do they make a braille version, because I didn’t see that on the store pages…  So I guess the only way she’d know is if you told her.  Come to think of it, she actually might laugh, that jaded, derisive laugh she has.   Then she’d go fishing.  Maybe in your own home, to show you how annoying Morndas can really be.

Sorry, my thoughts ran away for a bit.  I was talking about a mug, right?  Should have her mug on it instead of the Dragonborn symbol.  Okay, bad pun.  Don’t punish me!

Dragon Age III Auditions

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A while back Bioware did a contest where amateur voice actors could audition for a role in the upcoming Dragon Age game. I have no idea who won, but it’s not anyone I know so obviously whoever was picking was drunk.

Nah, that’s a joke, the winners are probably great, and sometimes these choices come down to things you can’t control, like the sound of your voice or the hive of bees in the casting director’s ear. Anyways, at the time I didn’t want to pick favorites, but seeing as the contest is over, I decided to scour the GOOGLES and look for some auditions.

Well, it turns out most of the actors did not make their auditions public. Either that or I am really bad at finding them. Some people may have taken them down as well in a fit of rage.  Which is a shame now that I am writing this blog post. This is all about me, after all.

Okay, it’s really about the wonderful actors who I’m lucky to have working on the project. First to bat is Jessica Osborne being awesome as usual. I like how there’s text on this one so I can read the other person’s lines. Otherwise you’re just a crazy person talking to no one. Well played, my friend, well played.

Here’s my podcast partner Alice Bell telling the Inquisitor where to find the motherfucking door. Now, at first I thought her use of a plain black screen was just general laziness and/or indifference, which is something I can appreciate. But the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced it’s pure genius.

With a black screen, you pay more attention to the voice and the acting. It’s kind of like staring at some modern art piece in a museum. At first you’re like “Psssh!” but then later you’re like “Hmmmmm.” Anyways the moral of the story is Alice can do no wrong. You understand me, police? She has diplomatic immunity.

Another thing I noticed is that the only auditions that were posted on Youtube were women. Now we know who has the balls in the 3DNPC family.  Anyways, I love Cassandra’s emotion as always, you can tell why she makes an excellent hypochondriac. But the thing that I’m most curious about is the photoshopped III in the video.

It’s like “Fuck, there is no way I’m acknowledging the previous game’s existence. Not. A. Chance. In fact, I am going to take my MSPAINT tool and just blur that fucker out.” Which I totally get by the way, although I may have exaggerated when I said the game was bad. I mean for one, I really, really like the characters in DA2. Varric Tethras alone is worth the price of purchase. And…and…some of my best friends are DA2 NPCs. Although one of them is Alistair. Please don’t hate me.

This video has #TheRealEldawyn and jokes and cats. It’s amazeballs. But really, everyone did great. And they all would’ve gotten cast too, if it weren’t for those rotten bees.

 

Sims and Saints

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It appears I am suffering from a disease where I don’t even play games any more, I just spend all my time putting 3DNPCs into the character creators.

The first one is a riff on the Fallout comic 324b21 is making. I didn’t know how to make an Argonian in the Sims, probably because that option doesn’t exist, so I just covered Anum-La’s skin in tats. It sort of looks like scales if you take off your glasses.

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This is Morndas as I picture her in modern day clothes, just kicking it down in some urine-scented New York subway.  After a morning cigarette, she flicks it onto the track and hops on a train to Times Square. Like any good cat/burglar, she wants to dip her paws in the blue jean water and see if she can’t catch some fish.

Quick Patch for Missing Voice Files

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This is a quick patch to 3.06.6 for those doing the Aldmeri Prisoner quest. MayPonce pointed out that Daenlyn is missing some audio files for the last quest, which seriously mucks up the scenes. I wasn’t sure which files I forgot to include, so I added everything since March to this folder.

https://3dnpc.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/daenlynvoicefiles.zip

It’ll be included in the 3.06.7 update on Monday, let me know if there are any other hiccups, and thanks for testing.

Follower Rankings

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Ahoy mateys and matettes, just want to make a note regarding the new Follower Rankings in the sidebar. First thing I want to clear up – this isn’t a list I made. I would rather pull out my own eyes with a pair of rusty tongs before choosing between the little buggers. Nope, not gonna do it.

The list is actually a composite of all the user rankings submitted by people on this site. Now you may be wondering, I am a person on this site. How do I whittle these characters down to a blatantly reductive numeral? How do I participate in the democratic process?

Well, it’s easy. To submit your rankings, login to your dashboard from the top left corner of the site (Interesting NPCs, Dashboard) and click on the Rankings section:

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You’ll notice there are multiple rankings set up, and more to come. We can rank bard songs, villains, children – putting anything and everything in a digestible list form.

But for now, let’s click on Follower Rankings.

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What we get is a list of all the followers in the mod. You simply drag and drop to reorder the list. If you haven’t met one or would like to abstain from voting for an NPC, click delete.

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When you’re done, scroll down to the bottom and click SAVE CHANGES. 

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Right now, the results are posted here, but this page is obviously in construction while I figure out how much further the chart stretches. What happens when it gets to the edge? Will the site collapse under the weight of its own gravity? There’s really only one way to find out.

Rank ’em.