Frank and Bill Script

Bill – Lines in black. 40-ish years old, white male, bald, with a harsher, more biting voice than Frank

Frank – lines in red, 40-ish years old, black male, more of a higher-pitched, melodic, sleepy drawl

Player sees two men arguing at a Goodsprings table

You out of your mind? NCR has guns, Frank. Guns.

There’s more to war than guns.

Yeah, like grenades and explosives. NCR’s got those too.

But what about heart, Bill?

The Legion ain’t got no heart.

That’s exactly what I’m saying. They’re crazy, heartless bastards, and they’ll kill you and your family before you even think to shoot it.

Shoot what, Frank?

Their hearts, Bill. Their hearts.

Bill

What do you think? NCR, or Legion?

NCR.
Ha! That’s right. No way a bunch of nutjobs with swords and slingshots can stand up to a well trained soldier.

See? What did I tell you Frank? This mope agrees with me. NCR, all the way.

So you finally made a friend Bill? How much are you paying him?

(alternate) So you finally made a friend Bill? How much are you paying her?

No more than your sister charges.

Now you leave Nessie alone. She’s got the shellshock from seeing you naked.

Legion.
So you’re gonna take his side? The man has half a brain and an ass full of dicks.

Hey! That’s uncalled for.

Shut up Frank. We both know you take more pole than a street sign.

Now you’ve mistaken me for your mother. And we don’t look nothin’ alike.

Depends on what you’re asking.
I’m asking who’d win in a fight. I’m saying NCR, hands down. This stubborn son of a bitch right here, he says Legion.

The only one stubborn here is you Bill. Like how you won’t let Doc Mitchell fix your nose.

What’s wrong with my nose?

I keep telling you, it’s crooked. Doc can fix that for you, I seen him do it. It’s just too bad he can’t do something about the rest of your face.

Both of them can go to hell.
Sure, but that’s not what I’m asking. I’m saying if a dozen soldiers from each side get in a fight, mano a mano, who gets the best of it?

Why you wasting this poor soul’s time? We all know the Legion would win.

You almost sound like you respect those assholes.

I just got sense enough to fear them.  

hellos

Yeah?

How’s it going.

Need something?

Can you believe this mope?

Frank

Bill done hit his head on something hard.

Yeah?

Just having a drink.

All I need is a good beer and free jukebox.

Extra Scene 1

It’s your turn to fiddle with the jukebox.

Your memory’s getting foggy Bill. I got up the last time. And the time before that.

Well that explains my headache, given how awful your taste in music is.

Extra Scene 2

Remember the time we took care of them Powder Gangers? Townsfolk showed real heart that day.

Do I remember? Frank, that happened like a week ago. And the both of us stayed inside the whole time.

(alternate) What are you talking about? Those Powder Gangers killed everyone in town!

Really? I must be thinking about some other time.

Extra Scene 3

What time is it?

Hell if I know. You know how it is. The way they got the lights…it’s always two hours to midnight in here.

Why do you think that is? They want us to keep drinking?

Sure. And I completely agree with their strategy.

Extra Scene 4

When’s the last time you used a comb, Bill?

I don’t know. When’s the last time you brushed your teeth?

I’m just saying, Bill. That other fella is awful handsome. If you got designs on keeping your lady friend…

Leave it alone, Frank.

I’m just saying.

Yeah, you do a lot of saying. Not a lot of thinking though.

Extra Scene 4.5

Thing is, I’ve lost half of it, so I figure, what’s the point?

You ever think of shaving it?

Do you think I got the head for it?

Don’t know. Might as well try it and see. Not like it won’t grow back.

Ha, if it grew back, I wouldn’t have a reason to shave it in the first place.

Extra Scene 5

They say up in Vegas they got all sorts of ladies. Even ghouls if you’re into that.

Really? Can’t say I’d partake. You kiss one of ’em zombies Frank, and your lips will glow in the dark for about a week.

I’ve suffered worse in the name of love.

Extra Scene 6

Well, if it’s morning, maybe we ought to drink coffee instead. 

How do you know it’s morning?

I don’t know, I’m just saying. It could be. In which case, it’d behoove us to do as the natives do. 

Be-hoove us? Since when did you learn to speak French?

I’m just saying. It ain’t proper to drink liquor at 8:30 in the morning.

I’m not gonna stop drinking if that’s what you’re suggesting.

You don’t have to. Just pour a little scotch into your cup.  Act a little more civilized. You know, “when in Rome.”

Rome? Last I checked, this wasn’t no Legion outpost.

The way you carrying on, drinking and whoring, you might be better off if it was.

Extra Scene 7

Why are you so worried about appearances, anyway?

It’s called being a gentleman, Bill. I ain’t saying you need to buy yourself a suit like some stuck-up Vegas cat.
But you could stand to show a little more care.

So what, I come in here with some pomade in my hair, and I’m neck deep in caps? That ain’t how it works, Frank.

Maybe so. But the way I see it, you ain’t doing so hot now.

Extra Scene 8

How much you making from that side job?

What, you mean those wooden carvings?

Yeah. You sell ’em as toys, right?

Selling? Ha, at the prices I charge, I’m pretty much giving them away.

Why not raise your prices then?

I raise the prices, they won’t buy ’em. They don’t buy ’em, I don’t eat.

Extra Scene 9

How much you think a Honus Wagner rookie card would be worth?

Why, you got one?

No, but say I dug one up. What would it be worth on the black market?

You asking for a friend?

No, I’m asking for me.

So you did find one. 

No, I didn’t.

But you’re asking me, in the off chance that you do, whether I can find you a buyer.

Goddamnit Frank, it’s just a hypothetical. No “wink-wink I got one in my pocket,” just a pure, what if scenario, okay?

All right, all right. Just making sure. (pause) Wagner. He that guy who played for the Congressman?

Fuck if I know. I hate baseball.

Extra Scene 10

I think it’s time to go home Bill.

No, it’s barely past eleven. We still got plenty of time.

How do you know?

Because I got money in my pocket and I ain’t kneeling over a toilet.

Scene 11

Why is this town called Goodsprings anyhow? Ain’t nothing good about it. It doesn’t make a lick of sense if you ask me.

Oh I don’t know…maybe the mayor had a sense of humor.

Scene 12

What do you think this bar was like? Before the war, I mean.

Oh I’m sure it was full to burstin’. Every stool filled with one of them pin-up girls you see in the old magazines.

Shame it ain’t like that now. All them girls are up with the angels, and now I have to look at your ugly ass every day.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

I’m serious though Frank, why us? Why does it seem like every decent person that ever lived died in that war, and bums like us are still here?

Matthew 5:5.

What’s that? A Bible verse?

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

Scene 13

Hey, why don’t we ask the bartender what she thinks?

All right. Hey Trudy, what do you say? You think those skirt-wearing pansies could take out a squad of highly trained rangers?

Nobody knows who’s gonna win, Legion or NCR. Might not make much of a difference around here.

Now that’s a smart answer.

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