Martha Script

Scene 1

Did you check the traps, hon? I heard some scuttling noises last night. It might’ve been raiders.

It was probably raccoons. You know as well as I do there’s nothing in this house that would catch a raider’s eye.

Oh I beg to differ, dear. You’re a regular Grace Kelly.

Ha-ha-ha! If that’s the case, then why didn’t I marry a prince?



Scene 2

Honey, I shot a strange man outside the yard yesterday. I think he might’ve been on pharmaceuticals!

Oh my word, and he made it all the way into the garden? He didn’t trample your petunias, did he?

Thankfully no, dear. But it was awfully close. My weapon jammed and…

I told you, sweet pea, you should stick to revolvers. Always reliable and made in America!

You know I like having more than six shots, dear. But if you think it’s best, I’ll try it on the practice range tomorrow. In the meantime, do you mind setting the table? The casserole’s almost ready.

I do love your casseroles.

And I love you pumpkin. Mmm-mah!

Scene 3

Martha dear, did you remember to pack the girls’ lunches?

Oh honey poo, have you forgotten? Jenny died, and Sandy left the house years ago!

Ha-ha-ha! Silly me. Where does the time fly.

Scene 4

Martha love, did you fetch the paper this morning?

I did, and while I don’t want to be rude, I have to say I have reservations about the new delivery girl.

Isn’t she the Johnsons’ daughter? What did she do exactly?

Well, for one, she didn’t even deliver the paper. I had to chase her down in my morning robes.

I’m sure it was an honest mistake. Maybe she thought we switched to the Times.

Abraham, we’ve been subscribing to the Post for twenty years now. Besides, if we were a Times family, I don’t think we could even live in this neighborhood.

You have a point, love.

In any case, the girl and I had a rather heated discussion, and I’m sorry to say I had to take action.

Martha…what did I say about shooting the neighbors…

I was only trying to be polite, dear. If I was angry I would’ve shot her in the chest and not the foot. And yet the things she said…Heavens to Betsy…I nearly fainted! I think there’s something wrong with that girl.

Do you need me to talk to her father?

Can you? I know you don’t like bringing this sort of thing to work, but she’s their daughter, and they have a right to know what she said.

Sure. I’ll talk to him first thing tomorrow.

Oh honey, you’re such a wonderful husband.

And yet you’re my better half.

Scene 5

So I ran into Gloria at the Super-Duper Mart the other day, shopping for energy weapons.
Supposedly the ash from the bodies has done wonders for her garden.
Now I know they’re on the expensive side, but I was thinking, if we can grow more at home, it might save us money in the end.

Well honeybee, I don’t know about this month, but maybe by winter Santa will put a little something extra in your stocking.

Do you mean it pumpkin?

Of course dear. Anything for my angel pie.

Scene 6

Don’t forget to set the land mines before bedtime, honey.

I’ll do it as soon as this radio program is over, dear.

Oh, that reminds me, have you heard that new song they’ve been playing on the top 40 station?

You mean the one by that Negro fellow? About twisting? I may have heard it once before, but I’m not sure. You know I’m a public radio man.

Well, I don’t want to alarm you, but Sally Jenkins’ mother says it’s all the rage, and frankly I’m worried. All that hip moving and thrusting. You know it’s implying something indecent.

Oh come on dear, when we were that age I remember sneaking out to the Rockabilly cafe on more than one occasion.

Well, it’s one thing to go to a nightclub and hear it. It’s another to play it on the radio. Children could be listening!

I understand completely, honey pie. But you have to realize society has been undergoing a gradual decline in values for the last three hundred years.
All we can do is teach our own children to behave with dignity and respect. And that starts with monitoring what music they listen to.

You’re right Abe. When you’re right, you’re right. 

I have my moments. By the way, do you know where I left my shotgun?

I think I saw it in Junior’s crib.

Ah, right. I’ll get it before I set the landmines.

Scene 7

Dear, I’m worried about our savings. You know Junior will be going to college someday, and…

(with a smile like he’s patting her on the head)
Honey…sweetie…don’t worry your pretty little head.  

But I’m very good with numbers. Betsy even said so. In fact, I’ve been doing a cost variable analysis of the next ten years, and…

Honey, honey, honey! Accounting is hardly the same as your weekly bingo game!
Look sweetie, it’s my job as the man of the house to handle the finances, and your job to cook, clean, and look beautiful.
And must I say you’re doing a splendid job of all three!

Oh dear, you’re such a flatterer! 


Have a seat, supper will be ready in just a minute.
Are you one of Abe’s friends? He’s always been bad with introductions.
If you’re here to see Jenny, she died last year. But that doesn’ mean you can’t stay for dinner! I won’t take no for an answer.
Junior’s upstairs sleeping. He’s our little angel.

I already bought my boy Junior his first glove. He’s going to play for the Congressmen some day.
What can I do for you?
You must be one of Martha’s relatives. She never tells me when one of her cousins is coming over for supper.
Make yourself at home!
My wife makes a great peach cobbler. Don’t be afraid to take some home with you!

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