Richard Script

Mack – Male child

Richard – Adult Playwright

Sally, Female Child, Sassy

Madison/Maddie – Female Child

War. War never changes.

The Romans fought for slaves and wealth. America built its empire on the wings of destiny.
Religion, freedom, greed, and lust. The motives change. The actors change. But war…war stays the same. War will never die.

And what is war but a play. A stage upon which the soul is bared. A drama in which villains are cast and heroes are made.
A comedy in which it hurts to laugh. A battlefield where we can shed our blood, if not our tears.  

War is all those things. A eulogy for the death of mankind.  

But here’s an idea. What if…it wasn’t?

What do you mean by that?

Do you believe in reincarnation? In getting a second chance?
What if all the things we fought over…land, soda pop, convertibles with extra horsepower…what if it all became junk?

But it is junk. 

And who do we have to thank for that? War. The one thing that never changes. The only thing that can save us from-

Cut, cut! I’m sorry Sally, but I’m gonna have to stop you right there.

Why? What did I do? Is it my acting?

It’s your bedtime. I think we passed it again.

Well fine, this play was super lame anyway.

Language Miss…

Ugh, sorry….(muttering) stupid fucking play.


NOTE: this quote can read kind of dickishly, so I added a sigh, as if he’s saying “these kids and their manners, what are you gonna do” with a shrug and a smile.
(Sigh) “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
Hello there. I guess you caught our little rehearsal. Shakespeare it isn’t, but they’re not bad for kids.

Why are you rehearsing plays?
Why not? Humanity didn’t die when the bombs fell, and neither did the arts.
Although granted, we’re not really doing the material justice. It’s mostly just to pass the time.

Are you in charge here?
Oscar Wilde says “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”
As you can see, I’m the only adult in our group, so yes, that puts me in charge. Hopefully Oscar was only half right.

Who are these children?
They’re from Andale. It used to be they’d come only twice a year, for drama lessons and the like.
But about a month ago a really bad illness hit town. Something about tainted meat.
Unfortunately, not all the parents survived. So rather than stick all the kids in a crowded home, I offered to let them stay here.

Is there anything I can do to help you?
As a matter of fact, there is. Every so often I pick up supplies from the scavenger who lives in the old train car to the west.
But I hurt my leg on the last trip, and I’m still having a tough time walking around.

Sure, I’ll do that for you.
Thank you. To quote Homer, “Light is the task where many share the toil.”

Maybe some other time.
I understand. I just hope the kids can hold out until it heals.

player comes back with supplies and gun

if player gives gun to Mack


All right then.

Come by later if you want to see a performance.

It takes a village to raise a child.

How can I help you?


I’ve brought the supplies you need.
You have my thanks. I believe the quote here is “No one has ever become poor by giving.”
May a wealth of karma come your way.

Gina also wanted me to give you this. It’s a BB gun that fires real bullets.
(Sigh) I get that she’s trying to help, but these kids need to learn there’s more to life than violence.
Maybe when they’re older and more well rounded, they’ll be able to handle the responsibility that comes with pulling the trigger.
But right now, they’re just too young. You keep the gun. I want nothing to do with it.


if player gave gun to Richard, player returns to find Richard and a raider dead on the floor, kids surrounding them.

Why isn’t Uncle Richard getting up?

This isn’t real, is it? He’s just acting, right?

He saved us. He wrestled that raider to the ground and kicked the gun away.
That’s when I shot him.

I’m sorry.
Yeah. I wish I’d been a little bit faster. It’s my fault he’s dead.

This wouldn’t have happened if he just took the gun.
Maybe. But I’m just a kid. What do I know?

That was incredibly brave of you.
I guess. I just did what anybody else would’ve done.

What will you children do now?
I’m not sure. I heard there was a town of kids at Little Lamplight. That might be fine for now, but we won’t be kids forever.
I guess the best thing to do is talk it over between the three of us, and go from there.

postquest if new guardian is found

Aunt Gina’s teaching us how to fight. It’s not as fun as doing plays, but after what happened, I can see why it’s important.

We’re still doing plays too. But it’s more to honor Uncle Richard’s sacrifice.

Shooting stuff is fun, don’t get me wrong. But I’m going to be a famous actress. I’ll have bodyguards protecting me.

It’s too bad Uncle Richard died. He really taught me a lot about drama and stuff. Now I’ll just have to rely on my talent.

When is Uncle Richard coming back? Roachard wants to know.

Aunt Gina’s mean. I don’t care if I can’t shoot straight.

I hope Roachard and woof-woof get along.

if player gave gun to Sally, player returns to find Roachard the Radroach dead on the floor, kids surrounding it.

Why isn’t Roachard getting up?

Good riddance. That thing needed to die.

Oh man. This could’ve been a lot worse. Where did Sally get that gun?

Ah, there you are. Perhaps you can shed some light on this situation.
As you can see, Maddie’s pet roach is dead. What I can’t figure out is who gave Sally the gun.

Oh, that was me. I thought she’d make good use of it.
That was a very irresponsible thing to do. Thankfully, it did serve as an important lesson for the children.
Maybe now they’ll realize just how dangerous guns are.

It was that scavenger Gina. She must’ve snuck it in with the supplies.
That’s what I figured. I’m going to have a few words with her when my leg heals.
Guns are not a toy. Maybe she’ll never figure that out, but it’s a lesson the children will surely take to heart.

She probably found it lying around this place.
I suppose that’s possible, although I did check the entire building for weapons. Twice.
Regardless, the children learned a valuable lesson, and no one human got hurt.

That doesn’t mean you’re going to escape punishment Sally. What you did was wrong and extremely dangerous.

But that filthy bug attacked me! I was only defending myself!

We don’t solve issues around here with violence. If you felt threatened by Maddie’s roach, we could’ve put it on a leash.

You ought to put Maddie on a leash! This is all her fault!

Now, now, that’s enough. I want you to apologize to Madison for what you did.

Fine. I’m sorry I killed your dumb roach.


postquest if Roachard dead

I guess Richard was right. Guns are dangerous.

I miss Roachard. Hopefully some of his cousins will come to the funeral.

I’m grounded, thanks to you. But on the bright side, we did get rid of that bug.

We were lucky. But it just goes to show these kids are better off staying inside.

player gives Madison the gun, Madison almost shoots Sally, Sally pretends she got hit

I didn’t mean to do it…I swear!

But you did! You shot my face you idiot! I’ll never be a movie star, and it’s all your fault!

But your face is fine…

Ah, it’s you. As you can see, we had a bit of a crisis here.
Someone gave Madison a gun, and she almost shot Sally during rehearsal.
Suffice to say we’re very, very lucky she missed.

Oh, that was me. I thought she’d make good use of it.
You what? Why would you do such a thing? Sally almost died on account of your carelessness!
(Sigh) But at least the children learned an important lesson. Guns are extremely dangerous.

It was that scavenger Gina. She must’ve snuck it in with the supplies.
Well I hope she’s happy. She nearly got one child killed and had another take the blame!
<sighs, gathers himself> But maybe I’m being too hard on her. She was just trying to help.
The important thing is no one got hurt, and the children learned a lesson they’ll never forget.

She probably found it lying around this place.
Then it’s my fault. I thought I checked every nook and cranny, but I must’ve missed a spot.
Thank god no one got hurt.

Madison, I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

I have Uncle Richard.

Good. Now apologize to Sally.

I’m sorry Sally.

Hmph. You’re lucky I’m even speaking to you. But fine, apology accepted.

I was never in any real danger. But I bet you thought I was. Because acting.

Don’t tell anyone, but when Maddie missed Sally she shot me in the arm. I patched myself up though.

I don’t think I’ll be playing cowboys and injuns. It’s not fun anymore.

if gun is given to Mack

Is he dead?

Of course he’s dead, Mack shot him like fifty times.

Sorry about that. In the comics they always get up the moment you turn your back. So I wanted to make sure.

Never mind that. The important thing is everyone’s safe.

I suppose I owe you an apology. Mack told me it was you who gave him the gun. Without it, I shudder to think what would’ve happened.

Apology accepted. Now stop being an idiot and train these kids to fight.
You’re right. I still don’t think violence is an ideal solution. But this is hardly an ideal world.
Ben Franklin once said, “Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.”
I’ve learned my lesson. I’m glad it didn’t come at the cost of my children.

I’m sure you would’ve just been maimed and tortured like everyone else.
They really do that? I confess, I don’t know much about raiders. Only now do I see that’s a failing and not a virtue.

Does that mean you won’t be doing any more plays?
Oh, I’m sure we’ll find time for that. Particularly if you’re in the audience.
But all in all it’ll be more for recreation as opposed to something they study.
In the meantime, here. A token of my gratitude. It’s not much compared to what you’ve given me, but I hope you’ll accept it all the same.

Uncle Richard says we have to carry weapons now at all times.

I don’t need a gun. I have Roachard to protect me!

Mack was pretty heroic. For a boy.

It’ll probably be smart to setup a rotation to guard the doors. Maybe put up a few traps. I’ll talk to Gina about it.

You’re welcome back here any time.

Mack’s pretty good with that rifle. I’m actually learning more from him than the manual.




Andale Theater Hall presents, “Play Ball!” starring Sally Jones and Mack Long, in an Uncle Richard production.

Madison exits

I’m taking you out of the game, Skip.

My name is Jean-Baptiste, coach.

Damnit Skip, didn’t I tell you I don’t speak French? 

Neither do I. And besides, I thought you were the skipper.

I am the skipper. And you’re Skip. And this peanut butter on my thumb is Skippy.

What’s the peanut butter for?

What do you think it’s for? It’s to doctor the baseball. 

My baseball needs a doctor? Is it sick?

It’s got the PTSD you dummy! Because in case you haven’t noticed, that team from St. Louis has spent the past hour knocking the cover off the thing! And do you know whose fault that is?

I’m afraid I don’t coach.

Yours, you nincompoop!

I thought you said my name was Skip.


Andale Theater Hall presents, “Patient Zero” starring Sally Jones, Mack Long, and me! Hope you enjoy!

The patient’s dying doctor, we’re gonna need to apply more band-aids.

What’s the cause of illness?

Stage IV cooties, I’m afraid. Eyewitnesses on the ground say Maddie got a little too close to Donnie Sullivan.

Mark’s boy? Good grief! Isn’t he the brat who tried to kiss the teacher last fall?

The very same.

Unbelievable. When will the other girls learn. Donnie Two Times is a Two-Timing, no good son of a bee. And his cooties are the kind that kill.

Doctor, if I may have a word?

What is it?

There’s something strange about this virus. It’s causing her cells to mutate.

Don’t worry. I’ve been dealing with cooties infections all my life. They’re gross, yes, but the patient will live.

You don’t understand, doc. This isn’t any ordinary cooties virus.


Oh no! It’s too late!


And so the cooties spread, all over the world, until no one was safe from its ickiness. Not even…you!

The end.

PLAY 3 – The Detective and the Dame

(october of 2077 is when the great war happens in the game)

Andale Theater Hall presents, “The Detective and the Dame” starring Sally Jones, and Mack Long! Hope you like it!

It was another baffling case. A real head scratcher. I was scratching my head so much you’d think I had fleas.
That’s when she walked through my door. A tall drink of cocoa with legs so long they were in another time zone.
I knew from the start she was trouble. She had bad news written on her like October of ’77.
But I let her in anyway. I had to. I was broke.

What can I do for you miss?

You’re a detective, aren’t you? Why don’t you tell me?

I’m a private eye lady, not a mind reader.

Well, privacy isn’t what I’m after. I need a public eye. Someone who can find the truth and shine a light on it.

Well, you’re in luck lady. That’s exactly what I do.

I thought you said you were a private eye.

I am. But I have two eyes. 

It was lie. The dame didn’t know my left eye was blind from watching too many cartoons.
But I needed the case. And she needed someone to solve it.
So I asked for the money up front, and when she left the room, I called the police.

PLAY 4 – World War Pee

Andale Theater Hall presents, “World War Pee” starring Sally Jones, and Mack Long! Enjoy!

Report sergeant! How goes the battle on the Eastern front?

The Krauts are on the run ma’am! But we can’t press the attack without further casualties.

Why? What’s the problem? Speak up soldier!

We drank too much milk before the battle ma’am. Half the battalion’s already wet their pants, and the other half is holding on by the skin of their willies.

Goddamnit! Didn’t I order the men not to drink until after we took back Normandy?

It was the cookies we had for breakfast that did them in ma’am. You can’t eat cookies without dipping them in milk.

And who authorized that?

It was me, lieutenant. The men wanted milk with their cookies. Should I have said no?

Jesus sergeant, I’m an officer, not an animal! Of course they can have milk. But next time, make sure they wear diapers into battle, just in case!

Yes ma’am!

Basic Hellos

I can’t believe Richard lets that roach just waddle around here like it’s a pet. That thing is gross.

I don’t think you’re supposed to be up here.

I’m the star of the show. Everyone else is just riding my coattails.

One of these days, you’re gonna see my face on a billboard.

Remember the name. Sally Jones. Actress, singer, and shortstop for the Capital Congressmen.

Dramas are okay. Uncle Richard says they’re like comics for adults.

Sally says I’ve got talent, but she says it weird. I think she’s making fun of me.

Did you come to see the play? I’ve never acted in front of an audience before.

I get nervous sometimes before plays. Not sure why. It’s not like anyone’s watching.

I’m learning a lot about history through these plays. Pre-War America must’ve been a fun place.

I think I swallowed my tongue. Oh wait, still there.

Like my helmet? I’m an astrobot!

Can I go to the bathroom? I have to go pee. Oops, never mind, just went.

When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like Captain Cosmos!

Wanna meet my pet radroach? His name’s Roachard. Like Richard, with an OA. He’s kind of shy though.

Roachard is named after Uncle Richard. It’s hard coming up with names when you don’t know anyone, but I think I did good.

They don’t let me have any talking roles. I’m not so good at learning.

Did you come from outside? I heard there’s a lot of strangers out there, and when they talk to you, bad things happen.

The other kids are smart. They can make the rocket. Roachard and me will ride it.


Make it quick, I got a play to prepare for.

I have a present for you. A BB gun that fires real bullets, and a training manual to use it.
Really? And it’s loaded? Oh man, you’re the best!

Next time Mack tries to steal a scene from me, I’m gonna pop both his kneecaps! Bang Bang!

Never mind.

It was smart of you to come to me. These other kids wouldn’t know a gun from a gumdrop.

You can keep the stupid book. I don’t need it.

Is it true if you push a booger too far up your nose, it’ll get stuck in your brain? I’m asking for a friend.

I have a present for you. A BB gun that fires real bullets, and a training manual to use it.
For me? Wow! Thanks Mister!

Thanks Miss!

Me and Roachard love playing cowboys and Injuns! Now it’s gonna be more fun than ever!

Never mind.
Okie dokie.

The book you gave me doesn’t have any pictures. How come?

You look like you’ve got something on your mind. If so, it’s best to talk to an adult.

I have a present for you. A BB gun that fires real bullets, and a training manual to use it.
Hm…I don’t think that’s a good idea, but you’re the adult here.

I suppose if the manual has tips on proper firearm safety, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

Never mind.
All right.

We’ve got prop guns we use on set, so it’s best I keep this one close. It’s too dangerous to just leave lying around.

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