Slasher Script

typo, should be “food in a box”

I can see why people like canned food. But food in a box? Most of it tastes like mold and mothballs.

says “just any other chem,” should be “just like any other chem”, but I changed the wording to “just another chem” to make it easier to say.

Nuka-cola is just another chem. But unlike most drugs, they got the express written consent of the US government.

[Essential] Don’t take any unnecessary risks.
I can’t make any promises, but sure.

[Non-Essential] Do whatever you can to win a fight.
Sure. Like I said, I fight best when I’m out of control.


The best part about clearing out a raider camp? You got all the pork ‘n beans you can eat.

I feel like some of these wasteland diners ought to serve their food in bucket.
That way when you’re done eating, you got something to throw up in.

You mind if I wait outside? All this military shit is bad for my back.

Now this is more like it! Guns, blood, and buffout. My kind of armory.

The Republic of Dave? I would’ve gone with the United States of Daverica, but I like fancy titles.

sees raider corpses hanging from diner ceiling
Man…usually it’s me that’s fucked up, but this time it’s the raiders.

Abraham Lincoln. I think he chopped down a cherry tree while flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Yeah, I know my history.

If you’re thinking about helping Hannibal, I’m all in favor. And if you’re thinking about enslaving him, that’s fine too.  I mean, on the one hand, he seems nice, but on the other hand, slaves are handy.

How in the hell did they get those corpses hanging from the ceiling? They’ve got to be like thirty feet up.

Springvale is like some town out of a museum, run by a chem addict. I think that’s why I like it.

Springvale Elementary. Shit, school got a lot tougher from when I was a kid.

Note to self: This is for quest MS11 stage 10
Nice thing you’re doing for Megaton, disarming that bomb. Just be sure you got the skills to do it. You ain’t exactly putting out a wet firecracker.

The Super-Duper Mart is probably full of goodies. And baddies too, but that’s karma for you.

MS11 stage 15
I’m not sure why you’re helping Mister Burke. What you ought to do is kill him, take his caps, and ask Simms for a reward. Then you get paid on both ends.

That’s a bold move, hiring a ghoul as a bartender. I’m no ghoul hater, but the last bartender I met, chunks of his face would fall into the drinks. He said it was for added flavor. But I’m not sure I believe him.

I don’t know if fixing them leaky pipes was a good idea. I think I’d enjoy watching people take showers outside.

hooker hired
So you want me to wait here, or go upstairs and watch? I’m good with either.

say “ghost slash prostitute”
There’s a legend that Wilhelm’s Wharf is haunted by an old ghost/prostitute. Calls herself Sparkle.

I guess the mirelurk farmers decided the offer themselves up as food. Now that’s dedication to your craft.

Anyone ever tell you you’re one in a million? Although if there’s 100 million people in the world, that means there’s a hundred other people just like you. We should probably kill them before they start hogging your glory.

When Coyote Ridge got a molerat problem, we put mines all over the floor. Sure, a bunch of folks lost their legs, but at least we got rid of the vermin.

Dukov’s party house with girls in lingerie
When I grow up, I wanna be this guy.

Glad to see your helping Murphy cook that Ultrajet. You’re doing good work my friend.

Can’t believe you turned down Murphy’s offer. It’s Ultrajet. That’s like Jet times a billion. It’s totally worth a few Sugar Bombs to get it.


I’ve heard Three Dog say your dad’s a good guy. A horrible father, but a good guy.


Ask the people of Big Town about their captured friends.
20 Rescue the Big Town captives from the Super Mutants.

25 Rescue Red.
30 Escort Red safely back to Big Town.
40 [Optional] Rescue Shorty.
45 Escort Shorty safely back to Big Town.
49 Icon check Explain Red’s death to the people of Big Town. (If Red dies)
50 Icon check Speak to Red about your reward.

I’m glad we got Red out of there safe. Now to have her prescribe me some Jet for my cough.

Too bad Red didn’t survive. She probably knew where they kept the chems.

200 Player has defended town from mutants

Damn. Muties really want this town, don’t they. Not sure why though. This town is just Little Lamplight’s leftovers.


Where do you think Moira hides her supplies anyway? Because it sure ain’t here. Maybe we oughta go digging in that crater.

I might be able to help you write that survival guide. Chapter 1. If it moves, kill it. Chapter 2. When it stops moving, eat it.

Good work finishing that Wasteland Survival Guide. But do you really wanna help the competition?

Glad Moira gave up that guide.  We don’t need the extra competition.



10 Find Bryan Wilks’s father.
So Grayditch is infested with fire-breathing ants? How does that work exactly? Won’t they burn their lips?

These ants would be really good for campfires. Just need to train them not to burn your house down.

20 Deliver the bad news to Bryan Wilks
Damn, looks like Bryan’s pappy went down swinging. But he still went down in the end.

30 Remove the source of the Fire Ants.
35 Investigate Marigold Metro Station and remove the source of the Fire Ants.
40 Eliminate all five Nest Guardians from the Ant Queen’s Hatchery.
42 (Optional) Do not harm the Ant Queen.
43 Send the Inhibitor Pulse from Lesko’s portable terminal or Kill the Ant Queen.

I like the way Doctor Lesko thinks. It don’t matter how many people you kill, so long as you got a good excuse.

45 Return to Doctor Lesko.
50 Return to Bryan Wilks.
52 Find Bryan Wilks in Grayditch.
60 Icon check Find a home for Bryan Wilks.

All right, Grayditch is clear of fire ants. Now all that’s left to do is repopulate it. We just need to find that boy a girlfriend.


I never told anyone this, but sometimes I loot a dead fiend’s armor because I want to see them naked.

Sure, chems are bad for you. But you should never say “no” to them because for one, they can’t hear you.

Did you know how they discovered Jet? By sniffing Brahmin farts. The things people will do to get high.

10 Deliver Lucy’s message to Arefu.
The fuck is Lucy doing in Megaton if her family’s all the way in Arefu?(Ar-ah-foo) Girl needs to get her priorities straight.

15 Discover what the Family did in Arefu.

20 Check the West Residence.(see blood and guts everywhere)
Whoa whoa whoa! That’s a lot of blood.

21 Check the Schenzy Residence.
22 Check the Schenzy Residence.
25 Report to Evan King.
30 Locate the Family

40 Locate Ian West.

Vampires! Wow, I done just about seen everything now. We should wait until it gets really dark, maybe some of them will turn into bats!

50 Speak to Vance about Ian’s decision.
60 Icon check Return to Evan King.

I wonder if I ask nicely, if some of them sexy vampires will bite me. But oh yeah, we should get back to Mr. King and tell him the news.

seneca grocer
How’s a shitty little grocer like this afford a terminal like that? Makes you wonder what they got in the safe.



Hey, you got any spare caps? I’m starving for some pork ‘n beans, but the only cans I can afford are on the waitress.

But she has such small cans.
Exactly. Now you see my problem.

You’re a pig. The waitress has a name, you know.
You mean this dump actually has a waitress? I was just making a joke. I need to pay more attention.

Sure, twenty caps ought to be enough.
Damn, you’re a generous son of a bitch, aren’t you? Or a rich one. Either way, it’s in my best interest to be your friend.

I’ve got a can right here. I’m going to eat it right in front of you.
Normally I’d say that’s cruel, but at this point, my best bet is to let you finish and then lick the can.

Go grovel somewhere else.
Hey man, fuck you. I’ll grovel wherever I damn please.

I can spare a can.
What’s the expiration date on that thing? I don’t eat spoiled food.
Naaaaw, I’m just fucking with you. I don’t give a shit. Give it here!

You from these parts?
No, I just moved here from Coyote Ridge. It’s a Pre-War supermax prison.
In fact, they say the entire town was descended from convicts. We’re practically Australian.

Why turn a supermax prison into a city?
Makes sense if you think about it. Them walls were just as good at keeping raiders out as they were keeping killers in.

Australian? Is that a Pre-War society?
Yeah man. In the prison we had a library. So I seen pictures.
And lemme tell you, you don’t wanna fuck with an Aussie.
Them boys got pouches in their stomachs where they hide their guns.

How big was the town?
Well, every cell had two beds, and a fucking shitload of them were occupied.
What’s two times a shitload? Damn, I never was good at math.

I want to go back to my other questions.
All right.

Did you run any trouble on the way here?
Not really. My forefathers were murderers, assholes, and thieves, so I got killing in the genes.
Of course, nowadays they just call you a survivor.
That’s how it is in the wastes. If I wanna live, I gotta kill your ass dead.

With that kind of attitude, we’ll never rebuild this world.
Spoken like a soon to be dead man. Or a soon to be slave.
Either way, the way you talking, I see a coffin or some kneepads in your future.

Right. It’s kill or be killed.
Well, technically, it’s kill, be killed, or be someone’s bitch. Some people are happy to go with door number three.
Shit, I ain’t afraid to suck a man’s dick if it means I get to live.

Not necessarily. Sometimes there’s another option.
Oh don’t I know it. My buddy Rebound took that option, and I wasn’t sure what was more sore, the spot on his mouth or the dick in his ass.
Probably his pride, but it’s not like there’s some fool going around spreading rumors about what he done.


How do you like Rivet City?
It’s okay. But a lot of people around here treat me like some kind of addict.

It offends me to be honest. What, just because I stick a needle in my arm that means I’m a fiend?
Shit, maybe I’m diabetic. Ever thought of that? I could have one of those diseases where your body’s low on psycho.

Of course. It’s a legitimate medical condition.
Damn straight. See, you know what I’m talking about. It just so happens my dealer doesn’t require a prescription.

There is no such disease. You’re just an addict.
Fine, maybe I am. But why is that such a bad word? Shit, my black ass is addicted to a lot of things.
Breathing, eating, fucking…and nobody says shit about that.
But sniff a little Abraxo and all of the sudden I’m the devil.

If you have a problem, then people should be supportive.
Yeah! They should be rooting me on is what they should be doing.
Shit, it takes talent to use this many chems and not see bugs crawling out of my eyes.
I’m like the Three Dog of drug users.

You need help. Go seek a doctor.
Why would I wanna cure myself? If you like a song on the radio you don’t put it on mute! You turn that shit up!
That’s all I’m doing. Turning it up.

If people think you’re a chem addict, why stay?
Why else? For the chems! I tell you, that Cindi Cantelli has enough gear to put you in permanent overdrive.
Problem is, Coyote Ridge was using cigarettes for money. Out here, they only take caps.

You didn’t bring any caps?
Not a one. Funny thing is, I was rich as a motherfucker back in Coyote Ridge.
They called me the motherfucking Marlboro Man. I had so many cigs in my pocket I could fuck up your lungs just by looking at you.
Here, I’m just another poor ass fiend.

If you’re looking for work, you could come with me.
Shit, I’ll take just about any job so long as I don’t have to pee in a cup.
All right, you got yourself a partner. Just lead the way.

What does slasher have to do with being crazy and taking a punch?
Slasher’s the name of a chem that mixes Psycho and Med-X. More popular out west I hear.
People in the joint said I was tough as Med-X, and crazy as Psycho. Hence the name.

How good of a fighter are you?
Well, whenever I get in a fight, my strategy is to just charge in and start flailing. Maybe give ’em the crazy eye while I’m at it.
So no, I don’t know jack shit about combat and tactics and whatnot.
I just know that in a bleeding contest, it takes longer for me to pass out.

You ever get so high you forget people’s names? I don’t think I’m at that point George, but you tell me if I am.

You ever get so high you forget people’s names? I don’t think I’m at that point Martha, but you tell me if I am.

Why do they gotta be eating people? That’s some fucked up shit right there.

You gotta be one hungry motherfucker to eat a person. Wouldn’t be surprised if you were the kind of person who fucked your mother too.

I hear they got a rocket ship up in this joint. I say we fix that sucker up and sell it to the Chinese.

You ever take the vault tour here? It’s like walking through a goddamn zoo.

Look at all them trees. They got leaves and everything! How high do you think we’ll get if we smoke ’em?

So this is where all the ghouls be hiding. Best not tell any Brotherhood folks though. Not unless they pay you first.

So Diego chose pussy over priesthood. God needs to step his game up and put some naughty pictures in that Bible if he wants to compete.

Are they saying Child of Adam or Child of Atom? Well, either way, my dad’s name was Bill, so I don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

Where do you think Talon Company got the money to make them uniforms? You think they hired somebody? Well, we gonna put them outta work at this rate.

Damn, this place is spooky. And yet we keep going down. At this point, I’d like to remind you that the exit is the other way.

When did you grow those horns on your head? You buy that at Shrapnel’s? I gotta get me some.

When did you get that halo on your head? You buy that at Bannon’s store?

I don’t get why these Big Town kids don’t just invade Little Lamplight.
Super mutants though, they got it right. You don’t pick on people your own size when there’s someone smaller around the corner.

Are you sure it’s Reilly’s rangers that are in trouble?
Reilly didn’t look so good.  Them ghouls might be poking her a little too hard.

I must’ve died and went to Med-X heaven. Cause this here looks like a hospital.
And where there’s a hospital, there’s drugs.

Daaayum. Reilly’s Rangers don’t fuck around, do they?

Them Talon boys are really putting up a fight. My money’s on the muties though. Those motherfuckers don’t play.

That preacher’s crazier than a shithouse rat. Snipe his ass if you know what’s good for you.

You ever stop at a stop sign, just because?
I mean, what if some fool in a sports car comes barreling down the other side?

I’m not a business man, but I do mean business.

I’m sweating so much, I could probably bottle it and hand it to a beggar. You want pure water? This shit came right from the source.

So I gotta ask, what day was doomsday? Do we celebrate that shit now? Seems like we should.

Who do you think would win in a fight behind Captain Cosmos and his monkey Jangles? Well, whatever the answer, I’m willing to bet it’s racist.

When I shoot a guy, I like to say “Yeah, and your mother was ugly too!” You know, add a little insult to those injuries.

Can’t be cheap buying shit. Yeah, it might cost you an arm and leg. But that’s a whole lot better than letting some mutie rip you off.

What’s the most you ever lost in a coin toss? I lost my virginity once, but I wasn’t exactly trying to win.

(toxic waste dump called Greener pastures)
“Greener Pastures Disposal.” Is that like when people piss on your leg and tell you it’s raining?

What’s going on?
Something you need?
So what’s next? We taking a chem break?
What’s up?

See ya.
All right.
I’m right behind you.
Let’s go.
I’ve got your back.

I want to discuss combat tactics.
All right. What do you need?

Use melee combat.
Got it. I’ll hack and slash.

Use ranged combat.
Okay, I’ll shoot ’em dead.

Keep your distance.
What is it? My breath? Good point. It stinks.
Sure thing.

Stay close.
You won’t even know I’m here. So make sure you don’t step on any stray needles.
Gotcha. I’ll keep close.

Wait here.
Okay. I’ll just stay here and shoot up.

Follow me.
My man.

My girl.
About time.

I need your help. Follow me.
Lead the way.

It’s time for us to part ways.
You sure? All right. But on the bright side, at least I won’t have to share.
Fine. I’ll be in Rivet City if you need me.

Let’s trade.
Sure. Got any chems?
All right, let’s trade.
I think you know what I want.
Mi casa su casa.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s