Spider Script

says “is a real bitchface,” should be “has a real bitchface”

That Mayor MacCready has a real bitchface.

says “tuhpenny” should be “tenpenny”

There once was a man from Tenpenny
Who dressed like my ex-boyfriend Benny
He spent like a glutton so I pressed the button
And now he has no dimes to lend me

hooker hired
A hundred twenty caps for a room? That bed must be really soft.

[Essential] Don’t take any unnecessary risks.
All right, stay under the covers.

[Non-Essential] Do whatever you can to win a fight.
Oh I will. I like fighting dirty.


moriarty has a Scottish accent
That Moriarty guy talks funny. Do you think he’s an alien? I heard aliens are illegal. That makes him contraband.

Yes! You fixed Megaton’s leaky pipe problem. No more leaks, which means no more rumors.

By the way, speaking of leaks, I knew someone with a leaky pipe once. And a screw loose. He was a robot.

Elementary school full of corpses/raiders
I don’t think I’m a fan of the curriculum here.

super-duper mart
I get that this is a super mart. And it might even be a duper mart. But a Super-Duper mart? Methinks this store is a little too quick to pat itself on the back.

We should take a boat, and go fishing for mirelurks! We could use the old lady as bait.

I heard the old lady here cooks a mean stew. Don’t know why the stew’s so angry. It should probably lighten up.

This in the Anchorage War Memorial
Wow, there’s a lot of mirelurks in this place. Just like Alaska.

tepid sewer
Oh boy, there’s a lot of boom in this tunnel. I can’t wait to set ’em all off.

bunch of people in lingerie

Oh wow, a pajama party! And here I am without a condom.

convenient store

This place looks unhealthy.

So this Murphy wants to pay us to bring him cereal. He must really want that Captain Cosmos decoder ring.


Cap pun
In baseball, everyone wears caps on their heads, just like Nuka-Colas! It probably keeps them fresh.

I like to give the bad guys a steady diet of grenades. It might not be healthy but at least they’re being fed.


Your dad’s a real hard guy to find. You should really consider putting him on a leash.


Ask the people of Big Town about their captured friends.
20 Rescue the Big Town captives from the Super Mutants.

They say the people of Big Town came from Little Lamplight. Super Mutants must really like hand me downs.

The best way to keep Big Town safe is to blow up the bridge. We should look into doing that.

 200 Player has defended town from mutants

MS03 – Wasteland Survival Guide

I like this store. They sell a little bit of everything. Most places sell a whole lot of nothing.

So this survival guide you’re writing…is it going to have pictures? Not everyone can read you know.

So this survival guide you wrote…does it have any pictures?


10 Find Bryan Wilks’s father.
So Grayditch is infested with fire-breathing ants? Better not eat too many beans while you fight ’em.

20 Deliver the bad news to Bryan Wilks
Wow, I’ve got to hand it to Bryan’s dad. I expected chewed up body parts, but he just got burned to death.

30 Remove the source of the Fire Ants.
35 Investigate Marigold Metro Station and remove the source of the Fire Ants.
40 Eliminate all five Nest Guardians from the Ant Queen’s Hatchery.
42 (Optional) Do not harm the Ant Queen.
43 Send the Inhibitor Pulse from Lesko’s portable terminal or Kill the Ant Queen.

So are we gonna really meet the Ant Queen? I’ve never met royalty before. I wonder if we should bow.

45 Return to Doctor Lesko.
50 Return to Bryan Wilks.
52 Find Bryan Wilks in Grayditch.
60 Icon check Find a home for Bryan Wilks.

So Grayditch is finally rid of its ant problem. This is really good news for people who like picnics.

10 Deliver Lucy’s message to Arefu.
Is it Ar-ah-foo or Ah-ray-foo? Ah-reh-foo? I hope it’s not as hard to find as it is to say.

15 Discover what the Family did in Arefu.

20 Check the West Residence.(see blood and guts everywhere)
We better find Ian. Unless some of those blood and guts are his, but I can’t tell. Maybe there’s a family portrait somewhere here we could look at.

21 Check the Schenzy Residence.
22 Check the Schenzy Residence.
25 Report to Evan King.
30 Locate the Family

40 Locate Ian West.

I’ve never met a vampire before.  I wonder if they have trouble flossing.

50 Speak to Vance about Ian’s decision.
60 Icon check Return to Evan King.

So Ian is a cannibal, or some kind of meat vampire, but he’s not entirely sure which. The only thing we know for sure is that he’s an idiot.


Are you here prospecting or looking for something specific?
Holotapes. I love, love, loooove holotapes. I find them and play them and throw them away, and then I find them again!

Although really, anything Pre-War is great. Radios, milkshakes, sideburns! I love things that burn.

It’s time for us to part ways.
All right! I’ll be back where you found me. At the beginning.

I’ll be back at the hideout then. The secret base. Which may or may not be the electronics store.

I messed up the wording on this line, should be two favorite

Let’s trade.
My two favorite words in the English language. Or is it three? Let’s trade. Let us trade. Fuck, I’m confused.

Yeah, gimme that! I want it I want it I want it I want it!

Got any bloatflies?

The Vault Trader from 101. Trading supplies. Making caps. Swinging deals. That’s you.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yeeeeees!!!
Hells. Yeah.
Welcome to the bomb show.

(doing a military man impersonation) Onward, soldier! Forward march!
All right, let’s go!
Bombs away!
We’re licking tears and splitting ears.

Where did you get the name Spider?
Not sure. Maybe I’m good at climbing, maybe I’m good at rigging traps.
Or maybe I just like eating bloatflies. We should totally catch some.

Why do you like holotapes?
Well, it’s like reading, except it’s like, “Look Ma, no hands!” And no eyes! And no brain!
Brains are overrated. Unless you’re a zombie. Then they’re delicious!

What kind of holotapes do you listen to?
Diaries, soap operas, self-help books…it’d probably be easier to ask me what I don’t listen to.
And that would be nothing. There is nothing I don’t listen to.

You think brains are overrated?
Oh yeah. The brain is like the skull’s appendix.
You know what an appendix is right? It’s like extra information in the back of a book. Completely useless!

What was the first recording you ever listened to?
It was a manual on how to make a homemade explosive.
The only problem was the “home” part. Like, it didn’t tell you what kind of home you had to use.
Was an apartment good enough? A townhouse? A timeshare? It didn’t say.
But funny story, it still worked. I guess “Parking lot bomb” wasn’t a jazzy enough title.

Is there a holotape series you’re following at the moment?
There is. It’s a horror serial called “It came from the Vault.”
I actually found the first episode in that safe we unlocked. And let me tell you, it’s fantastic!
Here, have a listen. It’s totally gonna win the award for best picture in a non-picture audio format.

That’s enough about holotapes.
Oh, it’s never enough.

Any thoughts on where to find the rest of the holotape series?
Well, I think the story takes place in Andale, Virginia. So it’s either there, or somewhere completely different!
But that’s only two places total! So I say we try one, then the other.

Okay, I listened to the first holotape. 
It’s a real cliffhanger, isn’t it?
Vault people with gills! Human people with racism! I can’t wait for the fireworks to start. The fighting too!

It’s so bad it’s actually kind of good.
Just like a ferris wheel! It goes round and round until you throw up and feel better!

Why? Because that’s where the poison was! In the throw up!

This is terrible. I can’t believe you listen to this shit.
I don’t just listen to it. I hear it. Sometimes in my sleep. But mostly when I press the play button.

So far it’s okay. But I’ll have to hear more before I come to a conclusion.
Not me. I’m already sold. Shut up and take my money. No, don’t shut up! Keep talking! That’s what the money’s for! Words!

It’s historically inaccurate. Vault people are not radioactive fish monsters.
But those are the best kind! Hello! Real life is boring! Fake life is so much better.

A new holotape! It’s like Christmas in Des Moines. Only in this version, Des Moines doesn’t suck!

Where can we find the next holotape?
Well, did you hear what the voice in the box said? It said Greg Haskins.
I don’t know a Greg Haskins, but I know a Holotape. As in, Holotape Haskins the Holotape King?
We find him, and we find the next piece of the story.

after finding Haskins and being threatened by him

All righty, I think it’s time everyone calmed down a bit. Deep breaths.

Who are you? Another spy?

Do I look like a spy?

Good question. What do spies look like?

Well, the spies in the holotape stories wear tuxedos and mix martinis with their ding-a-ling.

Hm…you have a point. But just cause you aren’t a spy, it doesn’t mean you aren’t some dirty, Lenin-loving pinko.

I could be, I very well could, but would a communist want to blow up a famous socialist landmark? Because I totally would. Wink-wink.

You must mean the Obelisk of Stalin. Having that in the National Mall is a disgrace to all of America.
Destroying it would certainly prove your loyalty to the Founding Fathers. 

And in exchange, all we ask is for one, eentsy weentsy little holotape. Although come to think of it, it’s actually not that small.
Wouldn’t fit in a bra, anyway. Good thing I’m not wearing one.

Enough with the commie gibberish you crazy son of a bitch! Tell me, in English, do we have a deal or not?

Sure, why not. Blowing things up is kind of my thing.


Okay, can I talk to you outside? Away from the crazy person.

go outside

All right, it looks like we have a problem Houston. If that’s your real name.

What problem?
Well, that monument he wants us to blow up? Kind of a big deal. I don’t think a few grenades is gonna do it.
Lucky for us, we only need a piece of it. That should be proof enough.

Yeah, the problem is all of you are crazy.
Not gonna argue with you there. Because this plan I got is totally insane.
And we’re gonna need every bit of crazy to blow up this monument. Probably more than we got.

Are you seriously going to try and blow up the Washington Monument?
I wish. It’d be so great to see it topple. All that rubble, all that mayhem!
But nope, nope, can’t do it. Not without people noticing. Rules, you know!
So we take a bite instead. Just a chunk of rock off the tip. Pow pow instead of boom boom.
We do it right, and no one will even know it’s missing.

Do you really think Haskins will give us his holotape?
Probably maybe, but that’s much better than improbably likely.
You just leave him to me.

Where are we gonna find an explosive?
Oh, that’s the best part! We’re gonna build it! Just like the Floronic man did in the Captain Cosmos holotapes!
All we need is a mini nuke and a fission battery for the detonator!

All right, we’ll see.
Yes we shall, yes we shall.

I’ve got the mini nuke and battery.
Yes! Now to stuff it inside this Teddy Bear, and voila! Camouflage!

So what’s next?
Well, those Brotherhood of Steel jerks won’t let me up the tower, but you’re different. You smell nice.
So go up there, plant the bear, and I’ll trigger it from down below.
But be quick! I get antsy when there’s buttons to press and no one to press them.

Blow up monument section, pick up rock

Did you see it? Did you see how I made teddy go boom?
Well, I guess you couldn’t from where you were standing. Not without a periscope.
I really should’ve put that on the list.

You could’ve given me some warning.
That’s boring. Much better to make it a surprise. But you got the message, right?
I mean, the literal message I wrote, not “you got the message” like a threat. You know what I mean. Messages, for learning!

I certainly felt the impact.
Yeah, it’s no fun unless you’re up close. I thought you might try to run away, so I made it so you couldn’t.

And I know what you want me to say, so I’ll just come out and say it. You’re welcome.

You nearly got me killed you psychopath!
I know what you want me to say, so I’ll just come out and say it. You’re welcome.

What about the Brotherhood of Steel patrol?
Oh, don’t worry, before I pressed the button, I pointed at the sky and said “Incoming!”
So they think it was muties. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

Did the Knight I sent down the elevator make it safely?
You mean the big hunk of steel that ran past me? Yeah, I think he’ll be all right.

In any case, I have the block of concrete.
Oh good! What concrete?

The block of concrete we were going to give to Haskins.
Oh right! Holotapes! I can’t believe I forgot about the holotapes!
At long last, we’re gonna find out what happens to Greg and that hideous vault monster! I can’t wait!

after giving the block of concrete to Haskins

We did it! The last holotape! Are you going to press play, or am I?

The honor is all yours.
Ooh, but I’m not sure I want to. The second you press it, the story’s over.
That’s why I never really listen to the last episode of anything.

Okay, give me a second to find the button.
Wait! Don’t press it, not until I’ve got fingers in both ears.
See, I don’t know if I want to listen to it. Because then the story’s over, and it’s like, “Now what?”

I was just going to throw it away.
Yeah, that might be best. We get to the end, and it’s a dead end you know, like no turning back!
It’s much better to end where we are now. We can go forwards, backwards, leftwards, rightwards…we can go anywhere!

Well, it’ll be here whenever you want to listen.
In that case, I think it’s best to wait until we find another series worth listening to.

Until then, we should probably cover that play button with thumbtacks.

I’m like that to. Let’s not listen together.
Good idea! In fact, I think it’s best to wait until we find another series. Then there’s no down time. Only way to go is up.

Don’t worry. There are plenty of other holotapes to listen to.
That does make me feel better. Okay, you press play, but I’m gonna wait until we find another series.

Where can we find another holotape series?
Well, holotapes are everywhere. But finding one as good as “It Came from the Vault?”
Chances are slim to very, very skinny. I mean, It’s hard to top mutant fish men from underground.
But if anyone can do it, it’s you. Just be sure to bring me along for the ride.

Hellos and Idles

Oh my god oh my god oh my god! Are you really gonna kill that tree? It’s a really big tree. Like you can’t just chop it down. That would hurt.
You’ll have to blow it up, right? I guess what I’m asking is…can I help?

(discover Andale residents are cannibals)
Are those bodies? Wow, and somebody’s been eating them! We really should let the people of Andale know.

(In the Dunwich horror building, a Lovecraftian cell)
Tulu, Clooloo, Cthulu, Cighulu, Kulhu, Kutunluu, Thu Thu!
Thu Thu is my favorite. I am Thu Thu, destroyer of worlds!

So this is Talon Company headquarters. What are they selling?

So this is Underworld. The underwear of the earth.


Ooh I’ve been here before!
Please, sit back, relax and free yourself from the bonds of our planet as we take off for the stars, for the stars, planet of the stars, bzzzzzzzt!

Megaton! Oh wow, they have nukes here! Mind if I touch it?

You think I could be a Ranger Reilly? Or a Reilly’s Ranger? I bet one of them really sucks.

That Mayor MacCready has a real bitchface.

That Bittercup girl has my clothes! So that’s where they went.

(if outfit still equipped)
That Bittercup girl has my clothes! We must shop at the same graveyards.

The Keller family would’ve made for a great situation comedy.
It’s the end of the world, they’re living in a closet, and they all hate each other! I can practically smell the hi-jinks.
And then when things got stale, they could totally bring back Ralph as a ghoul! I think he’s got real comedic chops.

Press the button and the rockets go boom, heehee! Press it! Press it with your fist!

(near preacher with explosives)
Ooh, I really like this preacher. He has a lot of good ideas.

(super bombs is a cereal)
Ever try a box of Sugar Bombs? It’s fucking false advertising!

Some people call me Cherry, as in cherry bomb, but those people I kick right in the cherries.

All the best dramas are on holotape.
War of the Worlds, World of the Wars, Jangles the Tambourine playing Bloatfly!
Yup, all on holotape.

My dream is to make my own holotape. Okay, so maybe it’s not a dream, maybe it popped in my head three seconds ago.
But when I go to sleep tonight, I’m totally gonna turn that reality into a dream.

Sometimes I spit when I talk, and the wind will blow it right back in my eye! Now I wear goggles. So in your face, wind! But not in mine.

Don’t look up, but the sky is now lava.

We should rub honey all over ourselves. You catch more flies that way.

In one holotape, they talk about this place called the World Wide Web. I bet plenty of spiders lived there.

Don’t take it the wrong way if I bite you.

If I’m about to die, the last thing I’m gonna do is swallow a grenade.
Then I want chunks of me to fly everywhere and get caught in the bad guys’ throats.

There once was a man from Tenpenny
Who dressed like my ex-boyfriend Benny
He spent like a glutton so I pressed the button
And now he has no dimes to lend me

You kill real good. I like that.

When you blow the bad guys up, it makes for a real bonding moment.

So does Galaxy News Radio broadcast to all the galaxies, or just this one? Either way, it’s not half as good as a holotape.

On radio. you can’t even control the station. It’s like, “Stop playing that stupid song I hate radio man!”

Why are holotapes better than radio? They just are. Trust me. I’m one of those whatchmacallits. Audio files.

The sound quality on a mint condition holotape is like explosions in your ear.

You ever feel like your grenades are talking to you? Like they’re sitting in your hand saying “pull the pin, pull the pin, pull the pin!”
God, it’s just so tempting, you know? Just pull the pin! Pull it!

(Singing, albeit REM might not be lore friendly, who cares)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I eat flies…

(for sentence 2, the misspellings are intentional, trying to make it like she’s talking with half a tongue)
Ever feel like something’s right on the tip of your tongue, but you don’t know what it is?
And then you cut the tip off and it’s like “Holee thit, there’s nuthin ther afther all.”
Just another mystery we’ll never solve.

Actions speak louder than words. But bombs shut everyone up.

Ever seen a yao guai up close? They’re big and fluffy and you just want to squeeze the life out of them!

Ever put cherry bombs in bread and feed ’em to the birds? Hehehe you should try it.

Grenades should be pointier. They should stick into people like darts.

I heard gunpowder came from the Far East, and I don’t mean Annapolis.
Maybe that’s why America went boom. Those East siders didn’t just bring the boom, they invented it.

I used to have a pet molerat. I scratched him behind the ears, he bit off a piece of mine…it was all very, very sweet.

Oh look! A toxic waste dump, in a total wasteland. It’s almost like a funhouse mirror that keeps going and going and going…

I love what the raiders did with this place. I’ve always said the best way to decorate a house is to blow it up.

This town isn’t on the map. So we should probably remove everyone in it. We don’t wanna turn the mapmaker into a liar now, do we?

We should roast something by the campfire here, to you know, get rid of the raider smell.

Oh my god…is that a mini nuke on the ground? I bet these soldiers had lots of fun playing badminton with it.

I’m one of those normal weird people. You’re one of those weird normal people. I think that’s why we get along.

Ho-lee shit! Is that a fort…made of cars? I’ve always wanted one! You think maybe…we can spend the night?

Something went real kablooey here. I bet someone left the stove on. Classic!

Is it me, or does that pool of quantum look incredibly delicious?

Sees a shelf with frag mines, a baseball bat, and an actual base(for baseball) If you’re not familiar with baseball, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base all look the same, hence the joke. Also it’s a sex joke.

Ooh, I think I see some frag mines on the shelf over there. And is that…third base!?!?!?! No, wait, first base. Eh, not nearly as sexy.

National Guard Depot. So is this where they train people to make the nukes?

Republic of Dave, a small town run by Dave
We should totally apply for citizenship here. I don’t think the Davidites…or is it Dave-anese? Whatever, I don’t think they like immigrants.

flies she’s referring to are corpses
Where there’s trash, there’s flies. Big, juicy ones in chains and spiked armor.

lincoln statue head cut off, quest to put back together
It’s good what you’re doing for Honest Abe. If your head ever got blown off, I would totally sew it back together.

Springvale? More like summer…um…dump. Yeah. I’m going with Summerdump.

Why would anyone want to disarm a bomb? That’s crazy talk. I don’t like this mayor.


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