I've Been Looking For You

courier

Here’s another 100% original idea for the blog, DO NOT STEAL, called a reader mailbag. Nope, don’t even bother googling it, it’s a completely unique segment I ripped off. Basically, I find replying to these easier than writing columns, so we’ll be running these every so often, depending on how many e-mails I get. Send all your questions to me at kristakahashi@gmail.com or just send me a PM through the website.

Anyways, here’s this week’s questions:

Alcoholic_Tubes asks:

Khajiit are supposed to be expert thieves, which implies they have some biological advantage over people and Elves. But have you ever seen those claws that pick up the prizes at the arcade? Those things are awful at picking shit up. Conversely, if I reached into the box with my hand I’d have all the toys.

First of all, fuck those claw things. Lost way too many quarters on that as a kid. But as for pickpockets, most pinch wallets with their thumbs and forefingers, they don’t use the whole hand, so I think in this case the claws provide an advantage. Like chopsticks, basically. So while Khajiit would be terrible at video games and scratch up your controllers (make sure to give them the off brand one), they’d be just fine at pickpocketing.

Also, don’t forget not every noble has a pocket. If we’re talking about purse strings, seems to me having a set of claws will make those things easier to cut. And Khajiit are naturally dexterous. Ever hear of a thief with cat-like reflexes? Now imagine if he was an actual cat.

Endormir asks:

Can certain polygamous marriages be canon? Given their personalities, I’d like to think it’d be possible to marry both and Tikrid and Amalee and maintain a stable household.

You’re talking to the guy who spent two days googling how to romance Morrigan and Leliana at the same time, ultimately deciding not to speak to either of them for 1/4 of the game in order to preserve our ill-fated love (plural). Thing is, Bioware squashed that possibility regardless because it doesn’t make sense for the Warden to be with both Team Purple and Red in Inquisition. Luckily for you, the characters in this mod aren’t likely to return for any future game. So while I personally don’t think it would work, my philosophy is your game, your canon. Threesome away.

PetCorgi87 asks:

Where does the name Hope Lies come from?

Oddly enough, you’re the second person to ask me that in the last week. The name I got from Pelzknaeul‘s email. That being said, I’ve always loved the last name Lies (pronounced Lees). There was a politician a couple years ago with that last name who was involved in some scandal, and at the time all I could think was, how in Oblivion did they not know she was dirty? It says so right in her fucking name! It’s like electing John Fuckyouintheass. Sure, you might like his ideas on tax reform, but don’t be surprised if at some point he plugs you in the butt.

Michelle B. asks:

The Witcher 3 specs are out, and my 3-year old machine can barely run it. Should this make me angry or excited?

A little bit of both? I can only speak in general terms here, but I’d say on the one hand, we want technological advances to happen quickly. It’s a good thing that my i5-2500k can barely run the newer games. I want to see a holodeck in my lifetime damnit, so the last thing we want is stagnation.

At the same time, if you’re poor like me you want your purchases to last. That’s why advances in efficiency are just as important (think Anti-Aliasing vs. Higher Resolutions) as advances in quality. And I’m sure the Witcher 3 will still look great on the minimum settings, but then again, in college my RA called me Mr. Magoo.

DreadPirateCharles asks:

I downloaded a mod to get with the Dibellan priestess in Markarth. Just thought it made sense.

Agh! Get it out my head! No really, I don’t want to know these things. True story, while googling for screenshots, I once saw a picture of Zora naked and I nearly scooped out my own eyeballs. Muh children and all that.

Now I understand that for Jolene it makes a lot more sense to have a sex scene given her, erm, personality type. And shit, we’re all adults. Artistically I should have zero problem making HBO style porn, but I’d still feel weird about emailing voice actors and asking them to make moaning sounds. Not gonna happen. Mods for the mod will have to do.

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A Letter…Not Sure Who From

courier

Here’s another 100% original idea for the blog, DO NOT STEAL, called a reader mailbag. Nope, don’t even bother googling it, it’s a completely unique segment I ripped off. Basically, I find replying to these easier than writing columns, so we’ll be running these every so often, depending on how many e-mails I get. Send all your questions to me at kristakahashi@gmail.com or just send me a PM through the website.

Anyways, here’s this week’s questions:

Alcoholic_Tubes asks:

Khajiit are supposed to be expert thieves, which implies they have some biological advantage over people and Elves. But have you ever seen those claws that pick up the prizes at the arcade? Those things are awful at picking shit up. Conversely, if I reached into the box with my hand I’d have all the toys.

First of all, fuck those claw things. Lost way too many quarters on that as a kid. But as for pickpockets, most pinch wallets with their thumbs and forefingers, they don’t use the whole hand, so I think in this case the claws provide an advantage. Like chopsticks, basically. So while Khajiit would be terrible at video games and scratch up your controllers (make sure to give them the off brand one), they’d be just fine at pickpocketing.

Also, don’t forget not every noble has a pocket. If we’re talking about purse strings, seems to me having a set of claws will make those things easier to cut. And Khajiit are naturally dexterous. Ever hear of a thief with cat-like reflexes? Now imagine if he was an actual cat.

Endormir asks:

Can certain polygamous marriages be canon? Given their personalities, I’d like to think it’d be possible to marry both and Tikrid and Amalee and maintain a stable household.

You’re talking to the guy who spent two days googling how to romance Morrigan and Leliana at the same time, ultimately deciding not to speak to either of them for 1/4 of the game in order to preserve our ill-fated love (plural). Thing is, Bioware squashed that possibility regardless because it doesn’t make sense for the Warden to be with both Team Purple and Red in Inquisition. Luckily for you, the characters in this mod aren’t likely to return for any future game. So while I personally don’t think it would work, my philosophy is your game, your canon. Threesome away.

PetCorgi87 asks:

Where does the name Hope Lies come from?

Oddly enough, you’re the second person to ask me that in the last week. The name I got from Pelzknaeul‘s email. That being said, I’ve always loved the last name Lies (pronounced Lees). There was a politician a couple years ago with that last name who was involved in some scandal, and at the time all I could think was, how in Oblivion did they not know she was dirty? It says so right in her fucking name! It’s like electing John Fuckyouintheass. Sure, you might like his ideas on tax reform, but don’t be surprised if at some point he plugs you in the butt.

Michelle B. asks:

The Witcher 3 specs are out, and my 3-year old machine can barely run it. Should this make me angry or excited?

A little bit of both? I can only speak in general terms here, but I’d say on the one hand, we want technological advances to happen quickly. It’s a good thing that my i5-2500k can barely run the newer games. I want to see a holodeck in my lifetime damnit, so the last thing we want is stagnation.

At the same time, if you’re poor like me you want your purchases to last. That’s why advances in efficiency are just as important (think Anti-Aliasing vs. Higher Resolutions) as advances in quality. And I’m sure the Witcher 3 will still look great on the minimum settings, but then again, in college my RA called me Mr. Magoo.

DreadPirateCharles asks:

I downloaded a mod to get with the Dibellan priestess in Markarth. Just thought it made sense.

Agh! Get it out my head! No really, I don’t want to know these things. True story, while googling for screenshots, I once saw a picture of Zora naked and I nearly scooped out my own eyeballs. Muh children and all that.

Now I understand that for Jolene it makes a lot more sense to have a sex scene given her, erm, personality type. And shit, we’re all adults. Artistically I should have zero problem making HBO style porn, but I’d still feel weird about emailing voice actors and asking them to make moaning sounds. Not gonna happen. Mods for the mod will have to do.

The GIFs that Keep on Giving

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If you don’t mind, allow me to tell you a story.

One of my first jobs out of college was at a mutual fund company.  We worked on east coast time, so I’d slink into the office at 6AM, sleepwalk through most of the day and be done by the afternoon. Still, while the atmosphere felt laid back it was imperative we made some attempt to stay sharp. The department handled corporate accounts in excess of $10 million, so while the work was incredibly easy, we weren’t allowed to fuck up. Cash transactions equivalent to the GDP of small nations could end up ruined if I failed to correctly place a decimal point. So there were a few who found it incredibly nerve-wracking.

Then there was my co-worker Dennis, whose car reeked of weed and Sublime CDs yet somehow kept its owner completely odorless. Every morning I’d watch with envy and respect as he settled into his chair like an old man in his favorite recliner, preparing to watch the game. Then he’d squint at his spreadsheet with a confused look on his face, shrug his shoulders, hit play on his iPod and proceed to execute $100 million buys like he was selling Funyuns at a gas station. When I asked him how he managed to remain lucid while smoking bowls every day, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Not every day bro. Some days I just jerk off.”

I immediately pushed his hand away from my shoulder. Dennis didn’t seem to notice.

“What a time we live in,” he’d say, staring at a GIF of tussling cats, “this shit is mesmerizing. Can you believe this is the same machine that I watch my porn in?”

“Hopefully not at work.”

“And pretty soon computers are gonna be mobile. I’ll be able to call my dealer and call in sick while watching teens work out their daddy issues. Shit, ten years from now it’ll probably suck my dick too.”

Dennis was hardly an oracle. After all, it’s 2014 and cell phones still don’t have a BJ function. That and the shift toward mobile computing devices was mostly predictable. He also didn’t anticipate we’d all get laid off in six months when the company moved to the Midwest to save money. He was right about one thing though. Cat GIFs are mesmerizing.

Trailers and Teasers – Lajjan

This NPC ostensibly doesn’t have much to say. Her conversations aren’t very long, and really don’t go anywhere. While a follower, she doesn’t have any idle commentary, and basically just ambles along pensively behind you. What she does have is a lot of unique hellos.

Lajjan’s (Cassandra Wladyslava) meant to be a silent, contemplative warrior type, who speaks when spoken to. Hopefully over time, the list of things she says will be substantial, which provides depth in a different way than some of the other followers.