A Letter…Not Sure Who From

usmail

Welcome to another edition of the, er, we’ll say bi-weekly mailbag. All questions are from spammers who send their letters via courier, whether that be in Skyrim or New Vegas.

If any humans would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.

On to the mailbag:

coke for lunch asks:

How did people say “it’s like riding a bicycle” before the invention of the bicycle?

This thought occurred to me as well during a scene in The Knick where Nurse Elkins tries to teach Thackery how to ride a bike. It would have to be an activity that felt awkward at first but became natural once the old muscle memories kicked in. Riding a horse would be the most obvious analogy, but only if you could afford a horse. It’s probably some Victorian term we’ve never heard of, like “crank-nobbing a skidoo-daddle” or “hawkshawing a brick-a-brack.” Once bicycles became mainstream, these idioms went extinct.

Also, is muscle amnesia a thing? I feel like this should be a thing. Like forgetting how to hawkshaw your brick-a-brack.

radioactive mama asks:

I only have a few weeks to spend with my husband before Fallout 4 comes out, when we both leave for Boston for the foreseeable future. How should we spend our final days before the apocalypse comes?

I hope you bought two copies. While it makes sense financially, taking turns is a sure fire way to ruin a marriage. As for how to spend your final days, I have no idea. I hear heroin is fun this time of year.

jobless in seattle asks:

I took a week off work for Fallout 4, but after that I probably won’t have much time to play. How do I maximize my gaming time before real life rears its ugly head?

The short answer is, you aren’t, at least not outside of the game. You can set your alarm clock earlier, but you’ll just get sleepy faster. You could stock up on microwaveable foods, but I’m guessing whatever time you save on cooking you’ll lose on the toilet. Also, your lifespan. No amount of life hacking will do you any good. The ugly head stays on.

The best way to maximize your play time is in the game itself, and you do that by staying alive. As a kid, I probably sunk more hours into a game like Ninja Gaiden then I ever did into Dragon Warrior, because I’d die every ten minutes and have to repeat the level. Save early and often, don’t bring a knife to a nuke fight, and always bring plenty of stimpaks before exploring a new area, and you should avoid having to repeat hours of gameplay.

Cool Hand Starkiller asks:

What if…what if the new Star Wars is bad?

It could be. Making good things is hard and you should expect a high failure rate regardless of how much love and effort you put into it.

I’m pretty sure this is an accurate depiction of how George Lucas felt when he made the prequels.

Volume 1, Pod Racing! Pick up a light saber…nyugh…gah…midi-chlorians…Jar-Jar…Ooh! It rhymes!

And this is the guy who created the fucking thing, a legend among legends. If he can screw up, anyone can. But to answer your question, if it ends up being the spice rack of space operas it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. There are few things in life more constructive than failure. Plus you’ll get a whole bunch of new memes.

nom nom nom de guerre asks:

Whatever happened to vampires? They used to be scary Halloween monsters, not prissy little emos.

Sorry, but that ship has sailed. On the scary scale, vampires have been surpassed by werewolves, politicians, teddy bears with fangs, and most notably, clowns. In fact, there should be a movie where instead of vampires, the monsters are a family of bozos who pop out of a small car and wear oversized shoes. And instead of drinking blood, they grow stronger when you laugh.

That’s why in order to save the town, the protagonist, Kristen Stewart Potter, must convince everyone to always be serious, lest they become cattle for a horde of balloon twisting psychopaths.  When a friend tries to tell her a joke, she interrupts the punchline with an anecdote about the time her dog died, before inviting her over to watch the latest Oscar winning documentary.

free leather couch asks:

With Fallout Beer and now Nuka Cola Quantum, what are the odds Bethesda ditches video games to go into the beverage business?

Is there a number less than zero? These are promotional items. The soda game isn’t for amateurs. Quantum is a different story, because it looks like the kind of thing that will kill you to drink it. But if Bethesda so much as hints at selling Nuka-Cola, the lawyers for actual Coca-Cola will be so far up their ass they’ll be throwing up polar bears.

But it’s a nice thought. It’d be pretty cool to have a Super Duper Mart somewhere as a tourist attraction. The shelves could be stocked with Spring Valley Crisps, Nuka-Cola, and Fancy Lads Snack Cakes. There probably wouldn’t be actual food inside though.

ermahgoddon asks:

Do you have any guilty pleasure mods or TV shows you watch?

Nope. Just pleasures. That is, I don’t believe in feeling guilty about anything culture related. If you like to gamble or eat ballpark hot dogs, those are technically guilty pleasures because that shit is bad for you. And while it’s arguable that some reality shows will cook your brain cells, that’s not why people feel guilty. The guilt comes from being judged by your peers for having bad taste.

And hell, maybe you do. I know I have horrible taste in a wide array of categories from literature to desktop wallpapers, and I make no apologies for it. Because I’ve found it’s better to just own it than worry about what other people think.

 

 

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A Letter…Not Sure Who From

Welcome to another edition of our weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim.

If you would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.

On to the mailbag:

Society asks:

What excites you the most about the next 20 years in gaming? What scares you the most?

The answer is the same for both. My biggest fear is that in 20 years video games will be too violent for me to play them. Not because of the content, but because of advances in graphics and virtual reality. It’s easy for me to slit a man’s throat if I’m holding a controller and his hair is made of plastic. But if he looks like a person and I’m holding a virtual knife? Fuck that. That’s a big, big NOPE for me. I am not going to play a real-life murder simulation.

But that’s also what excites me the most, because once developers can’t use violence as a gameplay mechanism, I think we’ll see a huge amount of innovation in non-violent gameplay. Well, either that or all the enemies will be androids like in the TMNT cartoons. Sorry Leonardo, robots and pizza are the only time you get to use your swords.

Christian Louboutin Ballet Heels asks:

If being blind like Daredevil gives you super hearing, wouldn’t being deaf give you super vision?

You jest, but this is actually a real phenomenon. The brain is a magical box that is built to adapt and survive, particularly if you’ve been hit with gamma rays and bitten by radioactive spiders.

przypudrowanie asks:

What is the song Felena sings when you first meet her? It sounds familiar.

The melody is from a very popular Japanese folk song called Toryanse. It has a very haunting vibe to it, so you’ll find it in a lot of horror movies or other places where creepy children congregate.

The funny thing is, I am probably the whitest Japanese person you know. I am the guy humming a Cat Stevens tune while standing in line for a latte next to a Wes Anderson poster as I think about last night’s episode of Mad Men. But I do pick up a lot of Asian things by osmosis. Obscure folk music being one of them.

fitflop salg asks:

In honor of the announcement of Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, what kind of augmentation would you get if you had the chance?

I don’t know, but I’d be down for anything that didn’t require regular maintenance. I hate going to the doctor, but at least there’s some semblance of trust. But you know who your doctor’s gonna be in the future? Your fucking mechanic. And Sal over at the garage thinks you need to have your air filter replaced. See how dirty it is? He’s not even sure how you breathe with that thing.

And oh by the way, that oil you’re running through your joints, it’s totally contaminated. You’re gonna need to replace it with the premium stuff, just ignore the fact that you just watched him pump it out of a fifty year old winnebago. But hey, recycling’s all the rage. Good for the planet, and you. Of course, you could go with the regular, but do you really want to take that chance, friend? Take his word for it, that stuff will kill you. And did he mention how dirty your air filter is?

Tara asks:

Is this mod still going or are the goody bags all wrapped up and this writer is too late to contribute to the Notoriously Precious Cheeses? Are you personally working on anything or taking a looong break from this mammoth of a mod?

Here’s the thing about modding. It’s not just about how much free time you have. It’s about motivation, and more importantly, inspiration. When you’re inspired, it’s like running cross country in the best shape of your life.  Sure, it’s physically demanding, but you’re mentally prepared to finish no matter what obstacles stand in your way.

When you aren’t inspired, it’s like being fat, old, and out of shape with a chain smoking monkey latched to your back. Also, someone has replaced your shoes with bricks, an ice cream truck has just arrived at the starting line, and Donkey Kong Draper just told you he forgot to DVR Mad Men because he was too busy chain smoking and smearing feces on your couch.

So while I have the time to add more to Skyrim, I haven’t had the inclination. Fortunately, the same can’t be said for Fallout, so hopefully we’ll release some stuff soon.

A Letter…Not Sure Who From

Welcome to another edition of our weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim. Well, usually. We actually have five real real questions this week, which is two more than last. I feel like this is a turning point in the quest for an authentic mailbag. That, or a high water mark. One of those things.

If you would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.

On to the questions:

bupropion asks:

I have a theory that adding a “Y” to the end of a name makes you faster. Bill sounds like an old construction worker. Billy sounds like a seventh degree black belt/fitness instructor.

I think you are on to something. Randy definitely sounds like the name of an athlete, as opposed to Rand, which is the name of a United States Senator.

I would take it a step further and say it probably applies to inanimate objects as well. A Jimmy is a flexible piece of latex. It is fun at parties and promotes safety. A Jim, on the other hand, is a lifeless stick of jerky made of questionable meat.

young old porn asks:

I think I’ve found another phrase that doesn’t make much sense. “Rich as a motherfucker.” Since when does sleeping with your mom make you rich? I suppose it could be referring to one’s inheritance, but it’s not something I would be bragging about to my mates. English is weird.

Yet it somehow makes sense. In fact, I’ve found the mind adapts fairly quickly to new words and rules. When people started saying “That feel when” instead of “that feeling when,” at first it hurt my brain. It hurt like a motherfucker. The headaches were bad enough that I wanted to Kickstart a program that copy-pasted ING onto every feel post on the internet.

Fast forward to now, and “That feel” feels grammatically correct. Why, I have no idea. The rules of grammar haven’t changed. The only thing that’s changed is me.

Megaptera asks:

Is Amalee’s focus on natural beauty and purity unusual among Dibellans? Is it a sub-sect or was she just really sheltered up until now? Or is the reputation of Dibellan priestesses and followers as harlots an unjustified stereotype?

It’s not unusual for religions to have multiple sects, especially given the Aedra are mostly hands off. I do believe, however, that Dibella’s realm goes beyond the pleasures of the flesh. In Oblivion, for instance, a Dibellan artifact is used to paint a forest, and at no point in the quest are you asked to fuck the painting.

Of course, for the mod, pretty much everything is about the character as opposed to their belief system. When Zarlak talks about how violence is a tool to be wielded by the wise, what he’s really telling you is how frayed his relationship is with Arngeir and how he failed to properly raise his fuckwit son.

With Amalee, she’s caught in this gentle tug of war between duty/tradition and youth/rebellion. While the most obvious example would be her relationship with her parents, the same rebellious attitude can be found in her relationship with the Dibellan priestesses. She grew up around it, was influenced by it, but in the end she took that information and turned it on its head.

Raynes says outright to Griffith that constantly being on the road isn’t appropriate for a child, and that Morrigan needs a structured life. For all his harsh exterior, it makes sense that if he hates lawbreakers he would value and want to protect innocence. Is there anything you can tell us about his own childhood?

I forget how much of Raynes’ backstory is explicitly stated outside of his Khajiit blood, and even that could be psychosomatic because Khajiit can’t reproduce with Dunmer. But regardless, his disgust for lawbreakers is rooted in a subconscious self-loathing (because Khajiit are known to be thieves) which is why he shaves his head. He’s scared there might be fur.

So based on that knowledge and his psychopathic tendencies, it’s safe to say Raynes had a rough childhood, one that probably involved a criminal guardian and heavy abuse. Now, by abuse I don’t necessarily mean something physical. Perhaps it was neglect or irresponsible behavior. Even getting jailed for being a thief is bad parenting, especially if your kid is orphaned and has to fend for himself. That could be why he says Morrigan needs structure, but I don’t think I ever stated something as being specifically canon.

Who would end up on the floor first in a drinking contest, Arghus or Erevan?”

Tough question. On the one hand, Arghus is old and lacks the constitution. Erevan, however, is the sort of choir boy who’d probably get plastered drinking Zimas. I’d say given he’s a scryer, I don’t see Arghus making that bet unless there was a pretty good chance he’d win. So the mere existence of a contest would mean the old man is your winner.

Mouse asks:

I’m working on my own script for a follower/companion, but I’ve never written something like this before, and I would really like to make interacting with a voice actor as smooth and engaging as possible. Do have any advice to offer?

I have a list actually, which may or may not be cribbed from dating advice on eHarmony.com.

  • Plan it. Have an answer for when and where the date VOICE ACTING will occur. While movie dates COMPANIONS are popular, they’re not great for first dates roles because you don’t want to stare at a screen the whole time may want to get a feel for the actor’s range, reliability, and sound quality.
  • Pay for the date nothing. You are not making money from this mod, so make this clear up front, or else there will be awkwardness and possibly poverty.
  • Be confident. They already said yes. They want to be there VOICE ACT.
  • Dress to impress.
  • Be on time. And be gracious if they’re THEIR LINES ARE fashionably late.
  • Be attentive. Ask great questions. Listen. Smile.
  • Use compliments appropriately. They likely put some effort into their look VOICE ACTING for you, so offer them a compliment or two.
  • Prove that chivalry is not dead. Sure, they’re an independent woman ACTOR. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t open the door for her MAKE A TRAILER VIDEO.
  • Say goodnight. Don’t let the evening end with a fizzle. Be intentional about saying goodbye, and initiate one of the following: a handshake, hug, or kiss (DO NOT TRY TO HUG AND KISS YOUR ACTOR THAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT).
  • Follow up. Ignore those three-day rules. If you had a great time MAKING YOUR MOD, let them know the next day.

Cato asks:

unnamed

WE KNOW

… Just kidding.

Hello, question time!

Clocking in at over 2GB, 3DNPC takes up quite a chunk of my mod load time, however I could never do without it. When you first started the project did you ever have a clearly defined end size or character limit? Or did things just evolve out of control? :P

Also when the day finally comes when they announce TESVI (2017/2018?) how will you react? Would you immediately sharpen your mod tools or just savour the game for yourself for a while?

I personally cannot wait.

In life and in modding I tend to wing it, but with Interesting NPCs I didn’t have much choice regarding its development. When I first started the project, there were five gray-faced NPCs that stood in place and required passing a speed reading seminar to talk to them. A year into the mod I was completely out of ideas and ready to quit when I decided to learn some basic scripting. So the development of the mod differs from most projects where people already have a skillset and now they just have to apply it.

That’s why you have so many prerequisites, because the NPCs were built first as standalone storybooks. Once quests were added, you had to go through the existing content (meeting and interacting with these characters) for the stories to make sense. While it’s not a coincidence that most of these backstories have loose ends, there was never any expectation that a quest would be made to resolve them. In fact, I always assumed I would need a separate programmer to handle the scripting. You see, I am not a computer guy. Ask me what operating system I use and I will tell you it is a “Dell Google” before resetting my router without prompting.

As for TESVI, shit, I can’t even believe we’re even talking about it. On the other hand, Skyrim’s going to be 4 years old in November. Fuck, that’s a long time. Time flies like an arrow, flesh flies like a Breton.

A Letter…Not Sure Who From

SR-npc-Courier

Welcome to another edition of our…let’s say weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim. We actually have three real questions this week, which is quite an achievement given there are only ten of you who read this blog.

If you would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers. On to the questions:

uroxatral generic asks:

Isn’t it time to retire the phrase, “I would kill for a steak right now?” Really? If I handed you a gun right now you would walk up to a stranger and shoot them in the head for a slab of meat? Substitute steak for just about anything in the world and it’d be just as ridiculous.

Well, I don’t know about that. I would kill for a time traveling machine. I would literally put my hands on someone’s neck and end their life. Then I’d go back in time and save his life, creating a paradox and dooming us all. I don’t really think these things through.

clozaril clozapine asks:

I stole the note off of Wander-Lust’s body because I wanted to read it. Am I going to hell?

You can always try and put it back. I’m not sure how religion works though. I’ve heard some are pay to win though so maybe just buy more L Ron Hubbard books and you’ll be fine.

over the knee boots suede or leather asks:

Duraz balks at the idea of the standard mercenary fee of 500 gold coins. What would be a more appropriate value?

Well, the 500 gold coins is in essence a gameplay mechanic. A real life mercenary would probably charge by the week as opposed to per hire. But given most players end up dismissing mercenaries anyway, you end up with a more realistic salary structure.

Duraz is talking more about the level of danger incurred. If I’m a mercenary, I’m charging more to fight a dragon than I am to clear a cave full of skeevers. The problem is, you can’t plan for dragon attacks. You don’t really know what’s lurking in some unknown dungeon. By keeping what she kills, it ensures she gets a pay commensurate to what she deserves, and ensures she doesn’t hide in a corner while the Dragonborn does all the work.

Mostly though, her ideas are less about revolutionizing the job as much as it is meant to establish she’s young, overconfident, and a tad naive.

Finanzanlagen asks:

At work the other day a few co-workers got into a discussion about toilet paper. One guy was saying it doesn’t make much difference, and the other swears by the 2-ply. Things is, I don’t use either. My wife installed a bidet that comes with a hot air dryer, and while at first I would always finish with toilet paper, I’ve found there’s no need. The bidet blasts the poop right off. Long story short, I ended up just staying quiet the whole conversation. But I gotta ask, does using a bidet make me less of a man?

If we use the Skyrim standard, there is nothing more manly than a big, burly Nord. Historians tell us the gods gave them two hands, and they used them both to wipe their ass, usually with the skulls of their enemies. That is how a real man wipes.

But a real, real man doesn’t need to wipe. He blasts off the poo with a mighty shout. So if you’re feeling feminine about using a bidet, just scream FUS RO DAH as you press the button and you will feel ten times manlier than your pathetic co-workers and their sensitive, two-plied anuses.

vegaswanderer asks:

Does Rumarin really want to be buried in a coffin made of pie or is he just just highlighting what a big problem he has with gluttony in his own self deflecting and sarcastic way?

Probably both. Because I think Rumarin would get a kick out of people taking his words literally and burying him in a pie. It would be a way to finally get back at him for all his snark and there’d be nothing he could do about it. At the same time, he’s more or less in on the joke, so it’s a sneaky way to make his funeral light and fluffy and incredibly delicious. You wouldn’t even need to have a reception, you could just serve pieces of his coffin to everyone.

Just to keep the party going, who do you think will win in a fight, Anum-La armed with Chillrend or Frog (from Chrono Trigger) wielding Masamune?

Frog’s water magic would be pretty much useless given Anum-La was born in the swamp. And while Anum-La has street smarts, Frog is probably much better trained as a swordsman. Not to mention he has crazy hops. In fact, if this was basketball, Anum-La would get crushed.

But I’d say Frog’s biggest trump card is his crazy ass tongue. The guy literally licks your wounds. Sometimes, right in the mouth. Frog is the kind of guy who will cure your cold and give you herpes with one quick lash on the cheek. And while you’re busy scratching the cold sores on your mouth, his blade will go right through your stomach.

Will we ever see interactions between Inigo, Arissa and fan favourites like Rumarin or Anum-La? Without killing the dream, how do you think they would react to each other? Who do you think would get along with whom?

It’s dream killing time. You see, back when New Vegas was out, one of the first mods I downloaded was the multiple followers mod. Cass, Raul, Veronica…I wanted nothing more in life than to travel the Mojave with all my new friends. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as fun as it played out in my head, because traveling with a small army tends to break the vanilla game. I spent the rest of my playthrough twiddling my thumbs as my followers mowed down everything in their path: deathclaws, cazadores, Legate Laniuses…the whole thing was a walk in the park. In fact, the hardest part about the game was backtracking through a door.

Similarly, vanilla Skyrim isn’t designed for chatter. If Qa’Dojo and Valgus had tons of banter, you’d almost be forced to take them both along to experience it, and suddenly the game gets 33% easier. And that’s just two followers.

Now I realize you can use another mod to balance your game, but not everyone will be comfortable using that mod. The web of mods becomes more and more entangled the more variables you introduce, and so I abandoned the idea completely. The one exception being in quests where I control the number of enemies and can try to account for additional followers. In fact, you’re almost guaranteed to have banter in any quest that has multiple people in tow.

So while I love banter, multiple followers is just too much of a gameplay headache for me. The only way this dream will be made a reality is if someone with bigger balls and a fist full of aspirin decides to make it. Anna Castiglioni, for instance, took it upon herself to create banter between her Anna NPCs and characters she voiced like Amalee and Morndas. So it is possible. As always, I can provide actor contact info if you need to get a project up and going, and the forums are a good place to discuss it. I will just cheer you on from the sidelines. Maybe I’ll even bring some beer and mudcrabs and Malukah will serenade you from her perch atop a cloud. Whatever you prefer, it’s your dream.

A Letter…Not Sure Who From

yourhandsonly

Welcome to another mailbag! This week, we actually have a real question from a real person! This is a landmark day and I’m going to celebrate it from here on out. If you would like to contribute to future mailbags, you can send me a PM or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com. As for the rest, we’ll just have to rely on our Skyrim courier to deliver them.

On to the questions:

buy prozac online asks:

What are some of Valgus’ guilty pleasures? I’d ask for Rumarin’s, but I have a hard time thinking he’d feel guilty about anything.

Well, Rumarin uses humor to deflect and at times project his inadequacies. He says “juggling and tying cherry stems is real magic” even though he desperately wants to be a mage, or makes a joke about “males, females, beasts, and goats” even though he’s kind of a prude and scared of true intimacy (both of which become increasingly clear the more you talk to him).

So I don’t know if that makes magic a guilty pleasure so much as a subconscious one, but he definitely feels things. He just has trouble expressing that guilt so what comes out is a joke.

Valgus is just more honest about who he is, and honesty comes with age and wisdom. But to answer your question, Valgus does have a guilty pleasure, which he makes known if you bring him around Valla and Uthgerd. While he’s given up violence for the most part, he still likes to brawl. He sees it more as a friendly competition or a way to settle disputes without bloodshed, but I think he might feel slightly guilty about the contradiction given he’s a healer.

Oh, and he’s also a huuuuuge Nickelback fan. No, I’m just fucking with you, not even Valgus would put up with their shit.

Download PS4 Jailbreak Tool Now asks:

The other day I came to that adventurers ruin near Winterhold and met the Alchemist/chemist… Kianna was her name?  Cute character, and cute jokes, I liked the “bleeding crown” one. Only I didn’t get the one about the nirnroot and the pearl. Prolly totally obvious of course ?

Ha, only if you’re an alchemist.  Nirnroot resists magic, pearls resist shock.  So when the nirnroot and the pearl went on a date, there was “no magic” and “no spark” to their relationship.

Ba-dum-cha.

download wii u emulator asks:

Given it was around for less than a decade, what percentage of people know the sound of a dial-up modem? 

I don’t know, I imagine it’s a lot. Pretty much everyone alive has probably used one. Shit, I’m sure there are still a large amount of elderly people who use AOL. It’d be easier to single out who hasn’t heard it, and that would mostly be children or isolated tribal people, and even they might hear it at some point in their lives. I don’t need to be middle-aged to know what a vinyl record sounds like.

So while over time that percentage will become smaller and smaller, I don’t know if it will ever be fully erased from the public consciousness. Especially since questions like this will remind people of it. It’s the modern equivalent of walking to school ten miles uphill in the snow.

hair loss remedies for thyroid problems asks:

Shrink, shrunk. Think, thunk. Shouldn’t the past tense of drink be drunk and not drank? As in, “Yes officer, I have drunk, but I am not drunk, I only had one drink.”

While that sentence made my head hurt, it’s actually correct. Drunk can be a verb, an adjective, and a noun. So while I have never drunk from this keg, I drank from this drink, and I am drunk as a result. Disclaimer: I cannot and will not be held liable if the Nazis come after you as a result of my shitty grammar advice.

Gregor Bashums asks:

Okay, who would win in a fight: Anum-La or an entire Toys’R’Us of living toys? This is urgent, I need to know for my fanfic.

Well, I imagine a lot of toys are designed to appeal to children, so I don’t think Anum-La would be capable of slaughtering a horde of plastic ponies and cabbage patch babies without getting flashbacks of that day in the cave. But admittedly I haven’t been in a toy store for years, perhaps they’ve gotten more violent over the years.

On the other hand, regardless of how many sharp objects they have, you’re implying the toys would be working together and not at each other’s throats. I can’t imagine Toy Shredder working with the Toy Ninja Turtles, not without some kind of hypnosis.

Second, they’re still toys. Not only are they meant to appeal to children, they’re also designed to be safe for them. Toys are only dangerous when they contain tiny pieces that you might swallow and choke on, or in rare cases if they contain traces of lead. If we assume Anum-La doesn’t try to lick and swallow any toys, she should win the battle. But if Leadazor, the world’s first lead-based Pokemon, managed to crawl up her nose, then yeah, she might end up losing the war.

A LETTER…NOT SURE WHO FROM

Welcome to another edition of our…let’s say weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim.

If you prefer regular e-mail and would like to send a question, PM me here or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com and I will link your website with your name. Just make sure to let me know this is for the mailbag and that you want your name public, or else I will attribute your question to spammers.

On to this week’s questions:

American egret asks:

Who would win a fight between Raynes and a criminal defense lawyer?

Raynes is kind of a maniac. He’s the yellow line at the train station, you don’t want to cross him. Not on the battlefield, and not in the courtroom. So I think most trials would settle before they ever went to court. No lawyer in their right mind would let Raynes interrogate their client.

If you mean an actual fight, then I don’t know. I suppose I’d need to know the location of your fight, in case the lawyer wanted to “stand his ground” and annihilate Raynes with his self-defense machine gun. Still, my money would be on the Dunmer.

Regardless, Raynes the Criminal Prosecutor would be a great TV show and you can have all the money if you are producing it. Not just my money, but ALL THE MONIES.

bulbs tend asks:

Interesting NPCs has close to 50,000 endorsements. How does it feel to have so much swag?

I don’t know what swag is, but I think I understand from the context. You are asking if it feels good to be popular. If it feels validating, so to speak. Well the thing is, when the mod was buried in the dark, cobwebbed corners of Nexus, I’d tell myself that popularity didn’t necessarily equate to quality, and make some glib comment about Justin Bieber. Then I’d churn out a few more NPCs and shake my fist ruefully at all the people who ignored me.

Of course, now that the mod is popular, I think endorsements are basically the Nobel Emmy for Artistic Achievement in World Peace and everyone associated with the mod should have a solid gold statue erected in their honor. In fact, I would not be against a new country being formed where endorsements were not only the primary currency, but were the sole determinate of a person’s worth. Why? Because we have them.

Funny how that works.

purchase tricycles for children at reasonable price tag asks:

I am debating whether or not to start a new playthrough of Fallout, but I’m not sure whether to wait for the new mods. When will they be done?

Good question. I wish I knew the answer. The thing is, each mod is only as fast as the slowest contributor. So some quests are on the verge of being completed, while others are not even cast, but there’s no time frame for either.

In general, the old rule of good, fast, and cheap applies here. If it’s fast and cheap, it won’t be good. If it’s cheap and good, it won’t come fast. And good and fast isn’t even an option, because mods will always be free.

The one thing that has changed from Interesting NPCs is the releases will be modular, so each quest will be uploaded as it’s finished without having to worry about unvoiced portions. I should also note that Fallout scenes have to be voiced, because the subtitle doesn’t always show up.

xeloda hand foot syndrome asks:

I was trying to google something about necrophilia in Oblivion and I realized how bad it would look in my search history. Am I just paranoid, or will the FBI come knocking on my door asking where I keep the bodies?

If you’re worried, it’s important to be very clear as to what you’re searching for. Here are some examples of bad searches that can be problematic in a future litigation:

dark elf necrophilia
where do I find necrophilia woman
is necrophilia okay with npc
corpse sex dark woman

Now here are some examples of acceptable searches:

evil no good necrophiliac NPC in the TES video game
where do I find the woman who is a necrophiliac in the Elder Scrolls Oblivion, a Bethesda Softworks video game
corpse sex in The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion which is a video game, let’s be clear I AM NOT I REPEAT NOT INTO SEX WITH CORPSES I AM JUST DOING A HARMLESS GOOGLE SEARCH TO FIND AN NPC WHOSE STANCE ON NECROPHILIA I DISAGREE WITH, SIGNED DATED 3/10/2015

Hope that clears things up, and happy googling.

A Letter…Not Sure Who From

SR-npc-Courier

Time for another mailbag. I think I’ll be sticking with this title from now on, since there’s only so many things the couriers in Skyrim say, and it makes the most sense.

After all, we have no idea who these letters are from, but the courier keeps delivering. So we answer them, tirelessly, until the candles are pushed to wick’s end – and the last ember of flame surrenders to the night. In other words, I’ve got nothing better to do than to answer my own letters.

price of flagyl asks:

What are your thoughts on Kickstarter and crowdfunding to develop games?

I really don’t have any. This may surprise you, but I’m completely uninformed on a lot of things. When I am asked a question that falls out of my purview, my gut reaction is to find out what a celebrity, beauty queen, or professional athlete thinks on the matter so I can mirror their response.

Hell, I sometimes even struggle to answer questions about Interesting NPCs, because much of it was written years ago. 2012 me is a different person than 2015 me, for better or for worse. Probably worse.

Christian Louboutin nuptiale asks:

Sports are littered with anecdotes of great players failing in the clutch. In RPGs, however, everyone is like an atomic clock, precise and predictable. I don’t like this. Can we make it so certain NPCs are more clutch than others?

Well, in turn based RPGs, you do have special moves that have a random hit percentage, so if an NPC misses 3x in a row you can definitely get the impression they are chokers. Others will spam useless spells despite your party being in desperate need of healing (I’m looking at you, Mitsuru Kirijo), which also gives the impression of a choke job. Many RPGs also have perks that allow you to boost your stats when your health is low, which would imply a degree of clutchness or performing under pressure.

One idea I’ve always wanted to implement though is NPCs having a clutch meter similar to what you find in basketball games. In Fallout, the luck attribute has some element of clutchness, but that applies to all situations. What I’d like to see is a hidden variable that accounts for the pressure of the situation, whether it’s health, stakes, boss level, or personal fear that alters their combat ability for good or ill.

As an aside, I have a personal fondness for athletes who fail when the lights are brightest, because it’s a reminder that even the most otherworldly, genetic anomaly among us is invariably human. Except for Madison Bumgarner, that guy is a horse.

reggae says:

In Final Fantasy Tactics, there is an Arithmetician class. They literally use math skill to defeat their opponents. Are math geeks sorcerers in training? Are calculators the modern day equivalent of a wand?

Technically it’s mathemagics, where algorithms are used to determine an opponent’s weak point, which is then bombarded with traditional sorcery. Just like in real war.

real viagra online asks:

I would like to marry Griffith and adopt Morrigan. Please make this happen.

You can pretty much substitute Griffith for any NPC’s name and it will apply to someone. I made the Skjel marriage patch as an example of how a fan made patch would work, and yet there are definitely people who have taken him to the altar. I don’t have any plans personally to make any more marriageable NPCs, but now that the mod is more or less complete, anyone is welcome to expand on the characters, whether it be via writing or modding. A good idea would be to try and organize a group project on the forums. And If you need contact info for the actors, just ask and I’ll provide.

ray ban meteor celeberty asks:

You need to fill in those quest descriptions.

Guilty as charged. There really is no excuse. Well, except for the one I’m about to make.

See, in my defense, making quests is a lot like riding a motorcycle, high on coke. When you’re building it, things are intense. Your eyes are bulging, your jaw is clenched. A storm of ideas is coming at you at a hundred miles per hour and your skin is flapping in its wake.

Meanwhile you are passing signs on the highway. You feel like you should write them down so others won’t get lost, but the last thing you want to do is take your eyes off the road. Partly because you aren’t wearing a helmet, but also because you have snorted a Schedule II narcotic and have little regard for your own safety. You think you just passed Carlsbad but it’s too late to care. The only thing that matters is the border.

By the time you reach Tijuana, the euphoria is all but gone. Your jaw is slack, and your eyes are now firmly ensconced in their sockets. You feel a lack, but not one that can be filled with detailed descriptions of your quest. No, to reach Mexican Shangri-La you must pour the sweet powder on the handlebar, rev up the brain and drive further south until you fall into the ocean.

So yeah, I’m having a hard time writing those quest descriptions. But on the bright side, I’m having a much easier time making more quests.