I've Been Looking For You

courier

Here’s another 100% original idea for the blog, DO NOT STEAL, called a reader mailbag. Nope, don’t even bother googling it, it’s a completely unique segment I ripped off. Basically, I find replying to these easier than writing columns, so we’ll be running these every so often, depending on how many e-mails I get. Send all your questions to me at kristakahashi@gmail.com or just send me a PM through the website.

Anyways, here’s this week’s questions:

Alcoholic_Tubes asks:

Khajiit are supposed to be expert thieves, which implies they have some biological advantage over people and Elves. But have you ever seen those claws that pick up the prizes at the arcade? Those things are awful at picking shit up. Conversely, if I reached into the box with my hand I’d have all the toys.

First of all, fuck those claw things. Lost way too many quarters on that as a kid. But as for pickpockets, most pinch wallets with their thumbs and forefingers, they don’t use the whole hand, so I think in this case the claws provide an advantage. Like chopsticks, basically. So while Khajiit would be terrible at video games and scratch up your controllers (make sure to give them the off brand one), they’d be just fine at pickpocketing.

Also, don’t forget not every noble has a pocket. If we’re talking about purse strings, seems to me having a set of claws will make those things easier to cut. And Khajiit are naturally dexterous. Ever hear of a thief with cat-like reflexes? Now imagine if he was an actual cat.

Endormir asks:

Can certain polygamous marriages be canon? Given their personalities, I’d like to think it’d be possible to marry both and Tikrid and Amalee and maintain a stable household.

You’re talking to the guy who spent two days googling how to romance Morrigan and Leliana at the same time, ultimately deciding not to speak to either of them for 1/4 of the game in order to preserve our ill-fated love (plural). Thing is, Bioware squashed that possibility regardless because it doesn’t make sense for the Warden to be with both Team Purple and Red in Inquisition. Luckily for you, the characters in this mod aren’t likely to return for any future game. So while I personally don’t think it would work, my philosophy is your game, your canon. Threesome away.

PetCorgi87 asks:

Where does the name Hope Lies come from?

Oddly enough, you’re the second person to ask me that in the last week. The name I got from Pelzknaeul‘s email. That being said, I’ve always loved the last name Lies (pronounced Lees). There was a politician a couple years ago with that last name who was involved in some scandal, and at the time all I could think was, how in Oblivion did they not know she was dirty? It says so right in her fucking name! It’s like electing John Fuckyouintheass. Sure, you might like his ideas on tax reform, but don’t be surprised if at some point he plugs you in the butt.

Michelle B. asks:

The Witcher 3 specs are out, and my 3-year old machine can barely run it. Should this make me angry or excited?

A little bit of both? I can only speak in general terms here, but I’d say on the one hand, we want technological advances to happen quickly. It’s a good thing that my i5-2500k can barely run the newer games. I want to see a holodeck in my lifetime damnit, so the last thing we want is stagnation.

At the same time, if you’re poor like me you want your purchases to last. That’s why advances in efficiency are just as important (think Anti-Aliasing vs. Higher Resolutions) as advances in quality. And I’m sure the Witcher 3 will still look great on the minimum settings, but then again, in college my RA called me Mr. Magoo.

DreadPirateCharles asks:

I downloaded a mod to get with the Dibellan priestess in Markarth. Just thought it made sense.

Agh! Get it out my head! No really, I don’t want to know these things. True story, while googling for screenshots, I once saw a picture of Zora naked and I nearly scooped out my own eyeballs. Muh children and all that.

Now I understand that for Jolene it makes a lot more sense to have a sex scene given her, erm, personality type. And shit, we’re all adults. Artistically I should have zero problem making HBO style porn, but I’d still feel weird about emailing voice actors and asking them to make moaning sounds. Not gonna happen. Mods for the mod will have to do.

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A Letter…Not Sure Who From

courier

Here’s another 100% original idea for the blog, DO NOT STEAL, called a reader mailbag. Nope, don’t even bother googling it, it’s a completely unique segment I ripped off. Basically, I find replying to these easier than writing columns, so we’ll be running these every so often, depending on how many e-mails I get. Send all your questions to me at kristakahashi@gmail.com or just send me a PM through the website.

Anyways, here’s this week’s questions:

Alcoholic_Tubes asks:

Khajiit are supposed to be expert thieves, which implies they have some biological advantage over people and Elves. But have you ever seen those claws that pick up the prizes at the arcade? Those things are awful at picking shit up. Conversely, if I reached into the box with my hand I’d have all the toys.

First of all, fuck those claw things. Lost way too many quarters on that as a kid. But as for pickpockets, most pinch wallets with their thumbs and forefingers, they don’t use the whole hand, so I think in this case the claws provide an advantage. Like chopsticks, basically. So while Khajiit would be terrible at video games and scratch up your controllers (make sure to give them the off brand one), they’d be just fine at pickpocketing.

Also, don’t forget not every noble has a pocket. If we’re talking about purse strings, seems to me having a set of claws will make those things easier to cut. And Khajiit are naturally dexterous. Ever hear of a thief with cat-like reflexes? Now imagine if he was an actual cat.

Endormir asks:

Can certain polygamous marriages be canon? Given their personalities, I’d like to think it’d be possible to marry both and Tikrid and Amalee and maintain a stable household.

You’re talking to the guy who spent two days googling how to romance Morrigan and Leliana at the same time, ultimately deciding not to speak to either of them for 1/4 of the game in order to preserve our ill-fated love (plural). Thing is, Bioware squashed that possibility regardless because it doesn’t make sense for the Warden to be with both Team Purple and Red in Inquisition. Luckily for you, the characters in this mod aren’t likely to return for any future game. So while I personally don’t think it would work, my philosophy is your game, your canon. Threesome away.

PetCorgi87 asks:

Where does the name Hope Lies come from?

Oddly enough, you’re the second person to ask me that in the last week. The name I got from Pelzknaeul‘s email. That being said, I’ve always loved the last name Lies (pronounced Lees). There was a politician a couple years ago with that last name who was involved in some scandal, and at the time all I could think was, how in Oblivion did they not know she was dirty? It says so right in her fucking name! It’s like electing John Fuckyouintheass. Sure, you might like his ideas on tax reform, but don’t be surprised if at some point he plugs you in the butt.

Michelle B. asks:

The Witcher 3 specs are out, and my 3-year old machine can barely run it. Should this make me angry or excited?

A little bit of both? I can only speak in general terms here, but I’d say on the one hand, we want technological advances to happen quickly. It’s a good thing that my i5-2500k can barely run the newer games. I want to see a holodeck in my lifetime damnit, so the last thing we want is stagnation.

At the same time, if you’re poor like me you want your purchases to last. That’s why advances in efficiency are just as important (think Anti-Aliasing vs. Higher Resolutions) as advances in quality. And I’m sure the Witcher 3 will still look great on the minimum settings, but then again, in college my RA called me Mr. Magoo.

DreadPirateCharles asks:

I downloaded a mod to get with the Dibellan priestess in Markarth. Just thought it made sense.

Agh! Get it out my head! No really, I don’t want to know these things. True story, while googling for screenshots, I once saw a picture of Zora naked and I nearly scooped out my own eyeballs. Muh children and all that.

Now I understand that for Jolene it makes a lot more sense to have a sex scene given her, erm, personality type. And shit, we’re all adults. Artistically I should have zero problem making HBO style porn, but I’d still feel weird about emailing voice actors and asking them to make moaning sounds. Not gonna happen. Mods for the mod will have to do.

Dark Light

2014-09-21_00013b

Heyo, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these literary sketches, so time to stretch out the old fingers and do some calisthenics. I might do this every Sunday or so just to help fill out more content since I’ve been so lazy as of late.

***

And so it was down in the belly of the cave, full of bile and stink and horror, that darkness became a welcome sight and light an age old villain.

Thieves and monsters share this in common, and the girl was no exception. They say she wore the shadows like a scarf, but in the bowels of this dungeon they served as something else – a gas mask, a guardian, a friend. Fear may be the artwork of the blind, but so is courage. The imagination required to not think – to close your eyes in a room full of snarling wolves – was something few possessed and even fewer understood. Blindness quiets a mind drunk off adrenaline’s booze. Darkness can strip even the nastiest monsters of their fangs, claws, and face, and place them in the mirror.

Still, the demons lurking in the corners of light were merely echoes of the beast that surrounded her. And the deeper she delved the more it clenched its fangs, slowly choking the throat of the great black wind.

Its name was greed.

Like all sworn enemies of the dark, its light shone brightly, from its ruby eyes to its pearls of teeth to a coin purse full of Septims. And all it took was a single CLINK to impregnate her mind like so many bastard sperm, a single noise so full of lust and screams that it made Molag Bal cover his ears. It was an unseen form of domestic violence – married to the coin, the thrill, and the hunt, and all it took was the promise of more to keep her in this abusive relationship.

And so it was always at night, like the moth and the flame, werewolves and the moon, that the girl meets her demise; when the darkness can no longer save her, and a thief is honest with no one save herself.