Xiaojian Script

This character is sort of paranoid after being robbed multiple times. She’s a doctor and book smart but not very street smart. She is also kind of nutty, and cares less about healing people than making money.

You! Keep your hands where I can see them and we won’t have trouble!

Yes ma’am.
Good. And while you’re at it, try and keep those hands close together.
Last guy who robbed me put his hands so far apart I couldn’t see one without losing the other.
Thing is, that was the one holding the gun.

Calm down, I just want to buy some meds.
That’s exactly what a raider would say.
It’s like “Hey can you help me out, I got this cut on my hip” and then BOOM! Party’s over. I’m not falling for that again.

You should try being nicer to a potential customer.
I tried being nice. But I can’t afford to be. Not anymore.
Although you look friendly enough. Which is exactly why you’re so goddamn suspicious!

I will put my hands wherever I please. Usually in my pants.
You do that and I start shooting. And don’t think I’ll hesitate to shoot a man in the jing-jang! Not after the last time.

(alternate) And don’t think I’ll hesitate to shoot a woman in the fly-trap!

Don’t fuck with me lady. Just move along.
Hey, this is my store. And if you want to make a deal, we play by my rules.
Although it’s not a game, so there aren’t any rules. It’s more like a contract. Hands up if you wanna sign it!

You seem a little apprehensive. What’s the matter?
I’m just trying to make a living, same as you, same as everyone.
Before, all I wanted was to treat the sick and make a few caps. But it turns out some people are just sick in the head.

What do you mean, sick in the head?
You know, bonkers, nutty, cuckoo for Cola. They come by and ask me to fix them, but they don’t pay. In fact, they steal. And some of them aren’t even ill!
I’d tell you their names if it weren’t for goddamn Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.

You can tell me their names. The Hippocratic Oath is not that rigid.
But it’s an oath. You can’t break an oath! Or else what’s the point?
(narrows eyes) I don’t trust you.

So now you’re taking measures to defend yourself. Smart move.
Of course it’s smart. I’m a doctor! I didn’t study medicine for eight years because I’m stupid. I did it because I was poor and starving.

What about hiring a bodyguard?
Bodyguards are expensive.  Arming them is expensive. Giving them lunches and days off and sick leave is expensive.
It might be cheaper getting robbed.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m here to steal as well.
(panicky) No! Hands off! Or I swear to god I’m gonna shoot them!

In that case, you can relax. I’m not a thief.
How do I know that? It’s not like you can prove it.
Maybe if you buy something and leave quietly, I might believe you.

What sort of medical training do you have?
Well, I’ve studied medical terminals and books from all over Nevada.
As for field work, most of my experience comes from all the times I’ve been robbed.
I’ve performed six surgeries on myself in the past three months, and I’ve got the scars to prove it.

Tell me about yourself. Why become a doctor?
For the caps. As dangerous as the wastes are, any smart business woman can see there’s a need for doctors.
Stimpaks are great, but they can’t heal everything.

Actually, they can.
As a doctor, I’m obliged to tell you I disagree with your opinion, but I encourage you to purchase all the stimpaks I have in order to prove my point.

You don’t think stimpaks work?
I believe that a lot of the effects are placebic. Which is a fancy way of saying it’s all in your head. Go ahead, buy them and see for yourself.

I agree. All you really need is alcohol, glue, and duct tape.
That, and extensive medical training. Tools aren’t enough. Believe me, I’ve tried. Lucky for me, those patients are too dead to complain.
That’s also why I make sure to get their caps up front.

So you treat people just for the caps?
Let me tell you a story. I once knew a man who killed his own wife by giving her too much Med-X.
You could argue that his heart was in the right place – although technically it wasn’t because he needed surgery to fix a loose valve.
Either way, my point is, motivations mean nothing. Are my thoughts a little sketchy? Sure. But is what I do unethical? Of course not.

What do you have for sale?
Everything. RadAway, Med-X, Stimpaks, you name it. But only for paying customers.

That depends. Do you have caps?

I’ve got chems, but I’m not responsible if you try and abuse them. The instructions are on the packages and they’re very clear.
Of course, if you do abuse them, come here if you need to detox!

Can you patch me up?
Hundred caps and I’ll do it, but any sudden movements and I’m sticking my scalpel where the sun don’t shine. Front and back.

Money first. The patching up comes after. Price is one hundred caps, no refunds, no exceptions.

Can you heal my radiation?
I’ve got RadAway for sale, having me stick the needle in you costs extra. One hundred caps, up front.

That’s fine. Do it.
Done.
Yes! Mom always said being a doctor would make me rich.
This will only take a second. Well, that’s a lie, it’ll probably take all night. But it’s not my fault you can’t lay off the chems.

Looks like you’re a little short. Oh god, you aren’t here to rob me, are you?

I changed my mind.
Really? Was the price too high?

I think I’m addicted to something.
It’s probably from carrying around to many caps. Those things are a magnet for germs.
Give a hundred to me, and it’s a cure and a a vaccine.

Hellos/Goodbyes
What is it?
I can stitch you up, but it’ll cost you.
I’ve got pricing plans for some of the more expensive surgeries.
If you feel a lump in your throat, it’s not love. It’s probably a serious disease.
Don’t forget to tell your friends about me.

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